The Resistance – Word and Prayer – Part 2B

Yesterday we sought to argue for the need for a commitment to the Word and prayer as a foundational step in building Christian Resistance. These are the weapons we have given the battle against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Today we continue with some practical changes we can make to family and personal life.

What practical changes can we make to our lives to build our resistance on the supernatural power of the Spirit and the Word? The following list is obviously not exhaustive, but I hope there will be something of value for you in what follows.

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Education is not simply a means of data transfer. It is not reducible to state-certified techniques. Education, when it succeeds, is the result of a child wanting to be like someone else. If you take away the drive train, can you really be surprised that the car won’t go? Fathers are essential to any successful school system, and no system of education can successfully compensate for the abdication of fathers.

Douglas Wilson in Father Hunger

Education and Fathers

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A Father’s Words

Words of reassurance, offered or withheld, are monumental in a child’s growth. Words of encouragement, or exhortation, or patient teaching, are the same. When a child has grown up under the devastation of unremitting harshness (and sometimes not so unwitting), or the devastation of neglect, the one thing a father may not say is that it “was not that big a deal.” Of course it was a big deal. The child is (hopefully) going to be praying the Lord’s Prayer for the rest of his life. What will naturally, readily, come to mind whenever he starts, whenever he says, “Our father…”? What does that mean to him in his bones, and who taught it to him?

Douglas Wilson in Father Hunger

The Directory for Private (Family) Worship #11

For some time we have been working our way through the Directory of Private Worship. What put me on this track was a sermon where this directory was mentioned, along with the concept that family worship was taken so seriously by the Church that fathers who did not ensure their family engaged in it could be admonished and even debarred from the Lord’s supper. Today we move to the eleventh stipulation.

XI. Besides the ordinary duties in families, which are above mentioned, extraordinary duties, both of humiliation and thanksgiving, are to be carefully performed in families, when the Lord, by extraordinary occasions, (private or publick,) calleth for them.

Though the language is somewhat archaic, I think the general idea is likely clear to most readers. From time to time, it is important for families to go above and beyond normal Bible reading and prayer in their family worship. There are special occasions where it may be necessary for families to humble themselves before God, perhaps in repentance over sin, or even in sorrow over a nation’s sin. Recent laws and proposed laws in New Zealand might be examples of such occasions. At other times, when God works mightily on behalf of his people, special thanksgiving might be appropriate. I’m not sure whether the framers of this directory would have held to special traditions of thanksgiving around the celebration of Christmas and Easter, but I think these are a great way opportunity for both humiliation and celebration in family worship. Both my wife and I were not brought up in ritual following families. Sure there were some traditions, but we have tried to extend this a bit as we raise our children. One that has become a helpful tradition is a celebration of the last supper / Passover meal where we eat roast lamb, drink wine (or grape juice for the children!), wash each other’s feet and read the Passion story.

The Directory for Private (Family) Worship #8

Today we continue our walkthrough of the Directory for Private Worship. The eighth direction focuses on the use of the Lord’s day (Sunday). The authors of the directory are, I think Sabbatarians, and so have a very high view of this day and how it is to be used. Not all Christians have the same understanding of the Lord’s day, but there is certainly wisdom in the following directions for its use.

On the Lord’s day, after every one of the family apart, and the whole family together, have sought the Lord (in whose hands the preparation of men’s hearts are) to fit them for the publick worship, and to bless to them the publick ordinances, the master of the family ought to take care that all within his charge repair to the publick worship, that he and they may join with the rest of the congregation: and the publick worship being finished, after prayer, he should take an account what they have heard; and thereafter, to spend the rest of the time which they may spare in catechising, and in spiritual conferences upon the word of God: or else (going apart) they ought to apply themselves to reading, meditation, and secret prayer, that they may confirm and increase their communion with God: that so the profit which they found in the publick ordinances may be cherished and promoved, and they more edified unto eternal life.

Here they hold the ‘master of the family’ responsible for ensuring the family prepares for public worship on the Lord’s day, and then that all attend public worship. After this, the authors of the directory require that he prays with the family and questions them as to what they have learnt in the service. Then he is to ensure the rest of the day, as far as possible, is spent in catechising (questions and answers on doctrinal truths), and talking about the Scriptures together, or in individual reading, meditation and personal prayer for the purpose. Ultimately, the desire for this manner of spending a Sunday is to ensure that the public worship has the utmost impact and effect on the spiritual lives of those who attend.

How important is this? It certainly seems there is some helpful truth to glean from this approach. I want to focus on the impact of the father on his home and the spiritual lives of his children. Fathers are essential to the health of the Christian faith. This should come as no surprise, but in an age that denigrates masculinity, many in the feminised church will be surprised by statistics like the ones I am about to share from an article by Robbie Low on men and the church. Low shares research that shows the impact fathers have on whether their children will continue in the faith. “In short, if a father does not go to church, no matter how faithful his wife’s devotions, only one child in 50 will become a regular worshipper. If a father does go regularly, regardless of the practice of the mother, between two-thirds and three-quarters of their children will become churchgoers (regular and irregular).” The authors of the directory would not have been surprised by this. The face we are is an indication of our denigration of fatherhood.

Fathers intimately involved in the spiritual lives of their children and wife will have an impact. God will see that this faithfulness bears fruit. So this is an encouragement to those of us who are fathers to sow liberally. Let us ensure we take our family to worship, even when we do not feel like it. Let us ensure that we mark out regular time in family life to reflect on what we learn in sermons and in Scripture. Let us encourage our children to develop daily habits of reading and reflecting on Scripture. And let us pray that God in his grace and mercy blesses these efforts.

Fathers and Blessing

When there is a fundamental estrangement between fathers and children, the results of that unhappy mess will be that God will come and strike the land with a curse. In short, when fathers are blessed, the land is blessed. When fathers are cursed, the land is cursed.

Douglas Wilson in Father Hunger

Education and Fathers

Education is not simply a means of data transfer. It is not reducible to state-certified techniques. Education, when it succeeds, is the result of a child wanting to be like someone else. If you take away the drive train, can you really be surprised that the car won’t go? Fathers are essential to any successful school system, and no system of education can successfully compensate for the abdication of fathers.

Douglas Wilson in Father Hunger

The Directory for Private (Family) Worship #2

We are working our way through the directory for private worship. Last week, we considered the first direction for private worship. We saw that individuals in the household were to be reading the Scriptures and praying on their own, and that the head of the household was responsible for seeing this attended to. Today we move on to the second direction.

II. The ordinary duties comprehended under the exercise of piety which should be in families, when they are convened to that effect, are these: First, Prayer and praises performed with a special reference, as well to the publick condition of the kirk of God and this kingdom, as to the present case of the family, and every member thereof. Next, Reading of the scriptures, with catechising in a plain way, that the understandings of the simpler may be the better enabled to profit under the publick ordinances, and they made more capable to understand the scriptures when they are read; together with godly conferences tending to the edification of all the members in the most holy faith: as also, admonition and rebuke, upon just reasons, from those who have authority in the family.

In this direction, three ordinary duties that should be regularly undertaken in families are envisaged. First of all prayer and praise. The framers of this directory suggest three primary areas of prayer. Prayer in the family should focus on the condition of the kirk or church, and ‘this kingdom’, by which I think they are speaking of the realm of Scotland. Additionally, prayers should be made with respect to the family and the individuals within it.

Secondly, the Scriptures ought to be read and taught in a plain way. The concept of catechising implies the use of catechisms such as the Westminster Shorter Catechism which was designed to teach good doctrine to children. Today, many have a negative view of catechisms. Some of the criticisms are that catechisms do not change hearts, and that we should let each Scripture speak for itself rather than treat the Bible like an encyclopedia of doctrine. In defence of catechisms, it is important to note that all of us read Scripture through a theological lens, and it is preferable to read it through a lens that was constructed by men who were theologically sharp than lenses made out of a bit of plastic perspex which we have put together ourselves from some poorly written worship songs and some evangelical memes. The benefit of this kind of family worship to the church is significant. When families are conducting this kind of teaching at home, churches can lift their game in teaching, because those attending will be ‘more capable to understand the scriptures when they are read’.

The third duty recommended by this directory is admonition and rebuke. The framers of the directory add the phrase ‘upon just reasons’. Here fathers are required to rebuke the members of their households for sin. We should not look the other way to keep peace, as tempting as it sometimes is. Rather we are to be directly involved not just in teaching the Scriptures, but in applying the truths of Scripture into the life of the family.

The Directory for Private (Family) Worship #1

Recently we looked at the concern the Church of Scotland had that fathers conduct family worship. Today we continue in this vein by looking at the first article of the directory for private worship. Although the language is archaic, with a little careful reading, it should be comprehended.

I. And first, for secret worship, it is most necessary, that every one apart, and by themselves, be given to prayer and meditation, the unspeakable benefit whereof is best known to them who are most exercised therein; this being the mean whereby, in a special way, communion with God is entertained, and right preparation for all other duties obtained: and therefore it becometh not only pastors, within their several charges, to press persons of all sorts to perform this duty morning and evening, and at other occasions; but also it is incumbent to the head of every family to have a care, that both themselves, and all within their charge, be daily diligent herein.

From this we see a concern that every believer be privately marked by regular prayer and meditation. This is seen by the church leaders of the time as the right preparation for all our duties – be they as husband, wife or child. Pastors were seen as having a duty to encourage very strongly all those in their congregation to perform prayer and meditation on God’s Word at both ends of the day (and other times to). Additionally, the heads of families (in most cases this would be the father) are responsible not only for there own spiritual feeding in this manner, but all in their household. This was a challenge to me as a father. Although we read the Scriptures together and pray together morning and night, I do not regularly check to see my children are reading the Scriptures on their own. This has encouraged me to do this more regularly.

Reddit Parenting Advice #3

In previous reddit parenting advice posts, we have investigated a Mummy who tried getting into a cot, and a question about weight. Today we are looking at a child with oppositional defiance disorder or potentially a Dad with Passive Parenting Syndrome.

Our son is 9 and is oppositional defiant. We’ll have an official diagnosis soon but I mean what else could it be? Straight up defiant from morning until night. Honestly we want to give him to the state and let them deal with him. We have 2 other boys 7 and 3 and it’s not fair to them. We don’t want to spend the next how ever many years dealing with this every day. I can’t get work done, we neglect the other 2 kids because all our time is spent on him. It’s absolutely insane why someone would want to push you and defy you on all fronts. He questioned me today on if getting out of the car is listening to me when I asked him to get out of the car. He repeats himself even if you answer the question, which I didn’t because it’s a stupid question and I won’t fall into his trap. Then he refused to go inside, then he refused to go up the stairs, then he refused to take a shower. Every step was just questioning. We flipped our lid. This was after a day of him going after his brother and getting rise out of him at 7 am, kicking him in the throat (although the middle child was going after him so I’m not sure what went down exactly), and basically defying anything I asked him to do, literally anything all day long. And guess what? Tomorrow it starts all over again. He talks all day long, watching movies with him is impossible because he’s always talking through them. He has anxiety and maybe something else, who knows.

Let’s begin with the incoming official diagnosis of Oppositional Defiance Disorder. There’s a word for ODD: sin. As far as I’ve been able to find out, to be diagnosed with ODD a child must have at least four of the following symptoms: often loses temper, touchy and easily annoyed, angry and resentful, often argues with adults, often actively defies or refuses to comply with requests from authority figures or rules, often deliberately annoys others, often blames others for mistakes and misbehaviour and has been spiteful or vindictive at least twice in the last six months. To be diagnosed with ODD, there must be a ongoing pattern of these behaviours.

So ODD is essentially a description of a collection of behaviours – behaviours that you expect to find in children. All of my children regularly exhibit a number of these behaviours. In fact, from my experience in dealing with children, I think ODD is a description of childhood. What toddler does not struggle with his temper? What child does not argue with adults? What child does not deliberately annoy his siblings? What child does not blame others for their misbehaviour? What child is not periodically vindictive? What we have here is a list of sins typical to childhood and unfortunately some adults who have never learned to curb them.

We are already talking about getting another therapist for me and my wife so we can get help dealing with it.It sucks.

This surprised me. I assumed I was reading the words of a mother. But no, here we have a father whining about his son. Herein lies part of the problem. Men are responsible for their family’s health. Fathers should be men who actively lead. Yet here we have a father who seems passive and resigned to being acted upon. What father cannot handle a 9-year-old boy? Why do you tolerate his behaviour and backchat? You are a man. You have strength and presence. Use it. Be a man.

Parenting philosophy matters. The way you think about parenting and children determines your destination. This is seen even from the earliest days of parenting. Parents who approach feeding and sleeping from a child-led perspective often end up fighting behavioural issues. Children who have learned from infancy that their desires determine their parents’ action tend to become disagreeable children. Philosophy drives practice. This is another case of the easy choices leading to a harder road.

We are already trying to arrange vacations without him because he ruins every vacation we go on. We can’t bring him on a plane out of fear that he’ll have one of his psychotic melt downs. I cringe when he wakes up and I hear him come down the stairs. I hate spending time with him. I hate spending money on him or signing him up for activities. He deserves nothing. I’m so pissed just typing this out. How do parents deal with this? I can’t even explain it to people because when I do there like “boys are boys”, “we all have kids”, “it gets better with time”. Hell no it doesn’t. It’s gotten much worse and honestly the next few years are freaking us out. The kids super smart, and I hate when parents say that about their kids because they all think there kid is smart but I wouldn’t be shocked if his IQ is 130+ when he gets tested next week.

And this is where a child-led parenting model tends. You begin secretly hating your children. They are not pleasant to be around. Life becomes miserable. Scripture puts it this way: “A foolish son is a grief to his father and bitterness to her who bore him.” Unfortunately, it’s worse for the child. A child whose parents do not like him will find he has few adult admirers either, and that is a very bad thing for his development.

He doesn’t struggle with school, loves God, and is social and has friends in the neighborhood. I’m not really asking for anything, we just feel so lost and alone. I know there are other parents out there and maybe I should reach out for support, but that’s easier said than done. I just wanted to vent and if anyone knows any good places to send him for the summer let me know so we can actually enjoy ourselves as a family.

Again we see a very unmanly approach to the situation. Dad wants to vent. He wants to remove his son from his family rather than deal with the situation and fix it. This approach to fatherhood and manhood is perhaps an unfortunate consequence of a world that hates masculine strength and decries it as toxic masculinity. Men who reject their place as strong loving leaders in their families inevitably become passive. Like a lion caged it’s pitiable.

How would a Dad like this turn things around? He would need to begin by admitting his responsibility for the situation he finds himself in. Yes, this son may be a difficult boy, but he is only a boy. What this boy needs is a strong father. Dad needs to repent of his weakness and ask God for wisdom and strength to help his son and to show love for him. By showing love, I do not mean liking his son, I mean doing what is in the best interests of his son.

Next Dad needs to sit down with his truculent son and confess his sin as a father to his son. It would go something like this. “Son, I have let you get away with things that are slowly destroying you and hurting the relationships in this family. I am committing to no longer allowing that. I am now going to lead you and I will discipline you when you go off the path. This discipline will hurt, but it is because I am charged by God to love you.”

Then Dad needs to think long and hard about severe consequences for his son’s defiance and sin. Does he have a cellphone? Does he use technology and play games? Is his room full of toys? If so these items are going to be part of the disciplinary process. As your son shows defiance and rudeness, these good things that you have given him can and should be taken away. My suggestion is that they are sold or given away. Your son needs these goodies far less than he needs to develop character. Providing him with food and a bed and loving discipline is your job. Having an empty bedroom might just teach him that blessing comes with obedience and disobedience leads to curse.

You may wonder if he is too old to smack (spank) or physically force to do something. Generally, my advice would be that parents want to be almost done with this by the age of 9. However, it seems entirely likely that this loving duty has been neglected in earlier years, and it may be important for Dad to show his son that Dad is a physical force to be reckoned with and he must come under Dad’s authority. This must never be done in unrighteous and uncontrolled anger, so if you can’t manage that you should not try it. Furthermore, Dad should consider the laws of his country and whether he should risk breaking them for the good of his son or if it is not worth the risk.

On the positive side of things, Dad must do the opposite of his natural desire to flee from his child. His undesirability is going to make this hard, but Dad must actually spend more time with him. Take him away for a father-son trip in the mountains. Take him fishing. Give him plenty of time with you. Try to repair that relationship that is quite obviously tenuous. This must be done in the context of firm unwavering authority. Love and spending time with him does not mean putting up with rudeness and disobedience.

It’s not going to be easy, but men weren’t designed for easy. God wanted us to wrestle with challenges. So go get to it.