Consider what a mass of contradictions we are. If a woman arranges flowers for a living, she earns our congratulations even if she doesn’t do anything else either because she doesn’t know how or because she is too busy at her flower shop. If a woman cooks fine Italian meals for a living – if her gnocchi, with their wonderful hundreds of calories, are famous all over town – we sing her praises, even if when she gets home she is spent. if a woman plays the violin for an orchestra or gives singing lessons, she can hope to find her name in the newspaper, even if she buys fast food for herself and her family on the way home from the music hall. But if a woman, because she is well versed in all of the household arts, can do all these things and in fact does them for the people she loves and for those whom she welcomes into her home (and she is not afraid of guests, because her home is always just a whisk or two away from hospitality), we shake our heads and say that she has wasted her talents. Not developed them, notice, and put them to use.
Anthony Esolen in Out of the Ashes
Reddit Parenting Advice #7
We continue on our Reddit parenting advice series with a slightly different type of query. In this post, we explore career vs family. How do we decide what weighting to give career vs children? As Christians, we must let God’s Word determine how we approach life. So let’s take a look at the question and then consider briefly what a Christian response might be.
Partner and I have two beautiful children, 2.5 and 8 months. We don’t “feel” done, but at the same time, we know that growing our family is not untenable, but not the smartest move, with our current careers. More specifically, I (33F) would have to modify the career path I’d envisioned in order for a bigger family, as my husband’s (35M) isn’t as flexible as mine.
I want to grow my family, but not at the expense of my education and a huge part of my identity. Or maybe I don’t know it yet, but a large part of my identity is having 3+ children! Parents who struggled with this dilemma, how did you decide where your priorities were?
First of all, when considering this question, we must consider the concept of career. In the past, our forefathers tended to think of their work as a vocation – a calling. It was a way of providing for themselves and their families, and it was a way of serving the community. When considering career, both as fathers and mothers, we need to remember that our identities should not be tied to this aspect of our lives. We don’t have careers for ourselves. We work to feed our family and to serve the world through the gifts God has given us, but climbing a corporate ladder for our identity without regard to the impact this has on our family is unwise.
Secondly, we need to consider what God tells us about masculine and feminine roles. Now even in Christian circles, this will seem old fashioned, but it seems to me that the Bible clearly teaches different roles for husbands and wives. A brief read of Genesis 1 and 2 will demonstrate that before the fall into sin, Adam, as the first husband was required to lead, provide food from the garden and protect the garden and implicitly his wife. A husband is directed outward to the world and the dominion mandate. Eve, as Adam’s wife was directed toward Adam as his helper. How does she help him in the dominion mandate? She bears children. Thus together they are able to fill the earth and subdue it. The apostle Paul teaches that wives ought to be focussed on their husbands and children and be busy in the home. Of course, a lot more could be said here, but the Bible teaches that men should provide for their families, and wives should be focussed on nurture and the domestic sphere. This does not mean that a wife is unable to work or do anything outside the home, as the Proverbs 31 woman demonstrates. It does mean that her priority is her children and husband. All this is a long way of saying that as a wife, your God-given mission is your husband and your children – so go to it! God did call us to be fruitful and multiply, so I’d say that if possible that means more than two! You’ll always find joy in fulfilling your God-given calling.
Finally, we should note that for most of us, we will never have careers of great importance. Not many of us will be CEOs of major corporations. Not many of us will be Prime Ministers. Few of us will be movie stars. Most of our work, while serving neighbour, is not particularly awe-inspiring. Few will remember us after we are gone. So as Christians, we should realise that our greatest impact for Christ’s kingdom will be through the investment we make in our families. Investing strongly by spending time on your children’s spiritual development you are helping raise a grounded and strong family. These children will then in turn have an impact on the lives of their families. Who knows how many millions will be in Christ’s kingdom as a result of your faithfulness as a wife in this area? Likely as not, raising a godly family will be the most important work you do for Christ’s kingdom.
Masculine and Feminine Imagery
Recently I’ve been thinking about why Christianity seems to currently appeal more to women than it does to men. As a man, I’ve found church services somewhat difficult for years now, despite acknowledging Christ as my King and Saviour and leading and teaching my family the faith.
A recent thought I’ve had is the images or metaphors we use for the faith. Some of these are more feminine and others more masculine. Consider first the way Christianity can be described as a relationship with Jesus. Songs can be sung about this relationship and we can celebrate Jesus as our friend and the lover of our soul. Obviously, these are biblical truths. This metaphor appeals to a more feminine approach to faith.
Now consider the way we can describe the faith in military terms. Jesus is our king. We are in a battle, but the powers of darkness are being subdued and Christ will make a footstall of all of his enemies. Again, biblical truths, but this imagery resonates far more with a masculine approach to faith.
Does the church need to balance out the relational imagery a bit more with the more masculine warfare imagery to engage men? Imagine if in our church services we sung more songs that focus on the kingship and authority of Christ and the destruction of evil and the danger of the battle we faced. Imagine if the tunes we used were more majestic and triumphant. Imagine if our services were like military briefings where the troops were updated on the battle, encouraged and given their orders as they go back out into the battle during the week.
I’m pretty sure this isn’t the main issue men have with church, but I think the imagery we use is probably symptomatic of a larger problem – a feminine approach to faith that disengages men.
Masculine and Feminine Approaches to Loving Neighbour
I think it was C.S. Lewis who once compared masculine and feminine approaches to love. Men tend to think of it as leaving your neighbour alone and letting him get on with his life, whereas a more feminine approach seeks to do neighbour active good. There does seem to be an element of truth to this generalisation. My wife is more likely to think of making Christmas cookies for the neighbours than I am!
Lewis, I think (and I can’t remember the exact place he makes this point), argues that the woman’s approach to loving neighbour is better. In general, I am inclined to agree. Love is not a lack of action toward someone, but a positive action.
However, the feminine approach to love of neighbour is a dangerous thing when taken into government, and as our government becomes more feminised, a live and let live approach is replaced by the tyranny of moral busybodies. There’s a reason we call it a Nanny State.
Who can forget Prime Minister Ardern’s daily television appearances during the COVID pandemic? We were talked down to as if we were children. We were restricted from normal activities so we could be kept safe, and we were told to ‘be kind’. It was like being seven years old again.
Then we had Siouxsie Wiles of the fluro pink hair who ended up becoming New Zealander of the Year. She berated Aucklanders who left the city before the 2021 lockdown. “Hey, all you Aucklanders leaving the city during the night to spend the week at your bach… you better bloody well take Level 3 with you,” and “You do realise this is a s****y thing to do? If you are incubating the virus you run the risk of spreading it outside Auckland #COVID19nz.”
It makes one wonder whether there is something about a woman’s nature that suits her more to governing the domestic sphere and looking after children rather than governing adults.