Simply put, masculinity is the glad assumption of sacrificial responsibility. A man who assumes responsibility is learning masculinity, and a culture that encourages men to take responsibility is a culture that is a friend to masculinity.
Douglas Wilson in Father Hunger
A Metaphor For Our Situation
If you ever needed a graphic metaphor for our current situation in New Zealand, this is it. Bearded police officers are being asked to remove their facial hair so their masks can ‘work more effectively’ against COVID-19.
This whole virus scenario has shown what an emasculated population we have become. Here we all are, commanded to remain indoors like cowering women and children in a siege to escape from a particularly nasty flu. And we accept it because we are afraid.
Masculinity
…we must cease the destructive chatter about “gender roles,” as if they were thoroughly arbitrary and not built upon nature….A role is something we pick up as actors, and we can exchange one role for another. A man can act like a dog, but not very well, because in fact he is not a dog. A man can act like a woman, but not very well, because in fact he is not a woman. When a man is a man, he is not simply playing a role. He is fulfilling his being.
Anthony Esolen in “Out of the Ashes”
Thoughts on Responsibility for Young Men Part II
In a previous post, we looked at how God designed men to exercise authority, to teach, to provide and to protect. In today’s post, we will investigate how the fall changed men. How has sin damaged the responsibility design? Let’s look at how Adam’s fall into sin affected these four areas in which he was called to exercise responsibility. It’s a sketch of failed masculinity.
First we see that Adam failed to lead authoritatively. The temptation of Eve shows this. All while Eve is being tempted by the serpent, Adam seems to have been standing silently with his wife. We do not realise that he is right next to her until we read the words, “She took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.” Adam had authority over Eve and the whole created order, yet he stood passively by watching things unfold. He failed to take seriously his responsibility to exercise authoritty as the leader of mankind.
Next, there is in the text a suggestion of his failure to teach the knowledge of God. Remember, God had given Adam alone the instructions about the tree. He was told about this before Eve was made. So it was his job to pass on this knowledge to his wife Eve. It seems like he did not do this well, for when the serpent asks Eve about the tree, she adds to God’s command by saying they were not allowed to touch the tree, which was not part of God’s original command. Again, Adam passively watches and does not correct his wife’s error. He fails to take responsibility to teach truth.
Thirdly, we see his failure to protect. What should Adam have done when this strange creature started speaking with his wife and questioning God’s Word. At the very least, he should have rebuked it and commanded its silence and banished it from the garden. Perhaps he should have crushed its head for challenging the words of his king. He was after all given dominion over all the earth including the creatures therein. Yet he stood by passively.
Finally, there is also a hint of Adam’s failure to provide. This is certainly less clear, but I think is implicit. God created a world of plenty, and he put Adam in a garden to work it. This would produce good things. What was Adam doing standing next to Eve doing nothing? Why was Eve looking at the tree longingly? Was Adam providing as he should have been? Questions we cannot answer for sure, but worth pondering.
So God comes down to deal with rebellion. Notice that when God arrives on the scene, He speaks with Adam first. Adam has authority, and God begins with the one who is ultimately responsible here. It was Adam’s fall that brought humanity into sin. Unfortunately, when God questions Adam, Adam acts in a most unmasculine way. He evades responsibility. He blames Eve and ultimately God himself. And this is the natural state of fallen masculinity today. We like to blame others and situations for failure; we refuse to take our masculine responsibilities seriously.
Now let’s consider the consequences of Adam’s rebellion. God curses the area of Adam’s prime responsibility, that of provision. In the curse, God responds to Adam’s blame-shifting. God’s reason for the curse on his provision of food is because he listened to the voice of his wife and disobeyed by eating from the tree. It’s not Eve’s fault. If Adam had been doing his job, he would have lead his wife, not been led by her. A true man is not led by the voice of his wife to disobey God. The line of authority is God, then husband, then wife. And so, thorns and thistles will now hamper the masculine responsibility of providing food. Now by the sweat of his brow he will provide for himself, his wife and his children. Additionally, we see that Adam’s role of authority is now cursed. The earth will no longer easily yield to him. Nor will his wife, and the marriage relationship will regularly become a battle for power and authority.
Reddit Parenting Advice #7
We continue on our Reddit parenting advice series with a slightly different type of query. In this post, we explore career vs family. How do we decide what weighting to give career vs children? As Christians, we must let God’s Word determine how we approach life. So let’s take a look at the question and then consider briefly what a Christian response might be.
Partner and I have two beautiful children, 2.5 and 8 months. We don’t “feel” done, but at the same time, we know that growing our family is not untenable, but not the smartest move, with our current careers. More specifically, I (33F) would have to modify the career path I’d envisioned in order for a bigger family, as my husband’s (35M) isn’t as flexible as mine.
I want to grow my family, but not at the expense of my education and a huge part of my identity. Or maybe I don’t know it yet, but a large part of my identity is having 3+ children! Parents who struggled with this dilemma, how did you decide where your priorities were?
First of all, when considering this question, we must consider the concept of career. In the past, our forefathers tended to think of their work as a vocation – a calling. It was a way of providing for themselves and their families, and it was a way of serving the community. When considering career, both as fathers and mothers, we need to remember that our identities should not be tied to this aspect of our lives. We don’t have careers for ourselves. We work to feed our family and to serve the world through the gifts God has given us, but climbing a corporate ladder for our identity without regard to the impact this has on our family is unwise.
Secondly, we need to consider what God tells us about masculine and feminine roles. Now even in Christian circles, this will seem old fashioned, but it seems to me that the Bible clearly teaches different roles for husbands and wives. A brief read of Genesis 1 and 2 will demonstrate that before the fall into sin, Adam, as the first husband was required to lead, provide food from the garden and protect the garden and implicitly his wife. A husband is directed outward to the world and the dominion mandate. Eve, as Adam’s wife was directed toward Adam as his helper. How does she help him in the dominion mandate? She bears children. Thus together they are able to fill the earth and subdue it. The apostle Paul teaches that wives ought to be focussed on their husbands and children and be busy in the home. Of course, a lot more could be said here, but the Bible teaches that men should provide for their families, and wives should be focussed on nurture and the domestic sphere. This does not mean that a wife is unable to work or do anything outside the home, as the Proverbs 31 woman demonstrates. It does mean that her priority is her children and husband. All this is a long way of saying that as a wife, your God-given mission is your husband and your children – so go to it! God did call us to be fruitful and multiply, so I’d say that if possible that means more than two! You’ll always find joy in fulfilling your God-given calling.
Finally, we should note that for most of us, we will never have careers of great importance. Not many of us will be CEOs of major corporations. Not many of us will be Prime Ministers. Few of us will be movie stars. Most of our work, while serving neighbour, is not particularly awe-inspiring. Few will remember us after we are gone. So as Christians, we should realise that our greatest impact for Christ’s kingdom will be through the investment we make in our families. Investing strongly by spending time on your children’s spiritual development you are helping raise a grounded and strong family. These children will then in turn have an impact on the lives of their families. Who knows how many millions will be in Christ’s kingdom as a result of your faithfulness as a wife in this area? Likely as not, raising a godly family will be the most important work you do for Christ’s kingdom.
Masculine and Feminine Imagery
Recently I’ve been thinking about why Christianity seems to currently appeal more to women than it does to men. As a man, I’ve found church services somewhat difficult for years now, despite acknowledging Christ as my King and Saviour and leading and teaching my family the faith.
A recent thought I’ve had is the images or metaphors we use for the faith. Some of these are more feminine and others more masculine. Consider first the way Christianity can be described as a relationship with Jesus. Songs can be sung about this relationship and we can celebrate Jesus as our friend and the lover of our soul. Obviously, these are biblical truths. This metaphor appeals to a more feminine approach to faith.
Now consider the way we can describe the faith in military terms. Jesus is our king. We are in a battle, but the powers of darkness are being subdued and Christ will make a footstall of all of his enemies. Again, biblical truths, but this imagery resonates far more with a masculine approach to faith.
Does the church need to balance out the relational imagery a bit more with the more masculine warfare imagery to engage men? Imagine if in our church services we sung more songs that focus on the kingship and authority of Christ and the destruction of evil and the danger of the battle we faced. Imagine if the tunes we used were more majestic and triumphant. Imagine if our services were like military briefings where the troops were updated on the battle, encouraged and given their orders as they go back out into the battle during the week.
I’m pretty sure this isn’t the main issue men have with church, but I think the imagery we use is probably symptomatic of a larger problem – a feminine approach to faith that disengages men.
Reddit Parenting Advice #3
In previous reddit parenting advice posts, we have investigated a Mummy who tried getting into a cot, and a question about weight. Today we are looking at a child with oppositional defiance disorder or potentially a Dad with Passive Parenting Syndrome.
Our son is 9 and is oppositional defiant. We’ll have an official diagnosis soon but I mean what else could it be? Straight up defiant from morning until night. Honestly we want to give him to the state and let them deal with him. We have 2 other boys 7 and 3 and it’s not fair to them. We don’t want to spend the next how ever many years dealing with this every day. I can’t get work done, we neglect the other 2 kids because all our time is spent on him. It’s absolutely insane why someone would want to push you and defy you on all fronts. He questioned me today on if getting out of the car is listening to me when I asked him to get out of the car. He repeats himself even if you answer the question, which I didn’t because it’s a stupid question and I won’t fall into his trap. Then he refused to go inside, then he refused to go up the stairs, then he refused to take a shower. Every step was just questioning. We flipped our lid. This was after a day of him going after his brother and getting rise out of him at 7 am, kicking him in the throat (although the middle child was going after him so I’m not sure what went down exactly), and basically defying anything I asked him to do, literally anything all day long. And guess what? Tomorrow it starts all over again. He talks all day long, watching movies with him is impossible because he’s always talking through them. He has anxiety and maybe something else, who knows.
Let’s begin with the incoming official diagnosis of Oppositional Defiance Disorder. There’s a word for ODD: sin. As far as I’ve been able to find out, to be diagnosed with ODD a child must have at least four of the following symptoms: often loses temper, touchy and easily annoyed, angry and resentful, often argues with adults, often actively defies or refuses to comply with requests from authority figures or rules, often deliberately annoys others, often blames others for mistakes and misbehaviour and has been spiteful or vindictive at least twice in the last six months. To be diagnosed with ODD, there must be a ongoing pattern of these behaviours.
So ODD is essentially a description of a collection of behaviours – behaviours that you expect to find in children. All of my children regularly exhibit a number of these behaviours. In fact, from my experience in dealing with children, I think ODD is a description of childhood. What toddler does not struggle with his temper? What child does not argue with adults? What child does not deliberately annoy his siblings? What child does not blame others for their misbehaviour? What child is not periodically vindictive? What we have here is a list of sins typical to childhood and unfortunately some adults who have never learned to curb them.
We are already talking about getting another therapist for me and my wife so we can get help dealing with it.It sucks.
This surprised me. I assumed I was reading the words of a mother. But no, here we have a father whining about his son. Herein lies part of the problem. Men are responsible for their family’s health. Fathers should be men who actively lead. Yet here we have a father who seems passive and resigned to being acted upon. What father cannot handle a 9-year-old boy? Why do you tolerate his behaviour and backchat? You are a man. You have strength and presence. Use it. Be a man.
Parenting philosophy matters. The way you think about parenting and children determines your destination. This is seen even from the earliest days of parenting. Parents who approach feeding and sleeping from a child-led perspective often end up fighting behavioural issues. Children who have learned from infancy that their desires determine their parents’ action tend to become disagreeable children. Philosophy drives practice. This is another case of the easy choices leading to a harder road.
We are already trying to arrange vacations without him because he ruins every vacation we go on. We can’t bring him on a plane out of fear that he’ll have one of his psychotic melt downs. I cringe when he wakes up and I hear him come down the stairs. I hate spending time with him. I hate spending money on him or signing him up for activities. He deserves nothing. I’m so pissed just typing this out. How do parents deal with this? I can’t even explain it to people because when I do there like “boys are boys”, “we all have kids”, “it gets better with time”. Hell no it doesn’t. It’s gotten much worse and honestly the next few years are freaking us out. The kids super smart, and I hate when parents say that about their kids because they all think there kid is smart but I wouldn’t be shocked if his IQ is 130+ when he gets tested next week.
And this is where a child-led parenting model tends. You begin secretly hating your children. They are not pleasant to be around. Life becomes miserable. Scripture puts it this way: “A foolish son is a grief to his father and bitterness to her who bore him.” Unfortunately, it’s worse for the child. A child whose parents do not like him will find he has few adult admirers either, and that is a very bad thing for his development.
He doesn’t struggle with school, loves God, and is social and has friends in the neighborhood. I’m not really asking for anything, we just feel so lost and alone. I know there are other parents out there and maybe I should reach out for support, but that’s easier said than done. I just wanted to vent and if anyone knows any good places to send him for the summer let me know so we can actually enjoy ourselves as a family.
Again we see a very unmanly approach to the situation. Dad wants to vent. He wants to remove his son from his family rather than deal with the situation and fix it. This approach to fatherhood and manhood is perhaps an unfortunate consequence of a world that hates masculine strength and decries it as toxic masculinity. Men who reject their place as strong loving leaders in their families inevitably become passive. Like a lion caged it’s pitiable.
How would a Dad like this turn things around? He would need to begin by admitting his responsibility for the situation he finds himself in. Yes, this son may be a difficult boy, but he is only a boy. What this boy needs is a strong father. Dad needs to repent of his weakness and ask God for wisdom and strength to help his son and to show love for him. By showing love, I do not mean liking his son, I mean doing what is in the best interests of his son.
Next Dad needs to sit down with his truculent son and confess his sin as a father to his son. It would go something like this. “Son, I have let you get away with things that are slowly destroying you and hurting the relationships in this family. I am committing to no longer allowing that. I am now going to lead you and I will discipline you when you go off the path. This discipline will hurt, but it is because I am charged by God to love you.”
Then Dad needs to think long and hard about severe consequences for his son’s defiance and sin. Does he have a cellphone? Does he use technology and play games? Is his room full of toys? If so these items are going to be part of the disciplinary process. As your son shows defiance and rudeness, these good things that you have given him can and should be taken away. My suggestion is that they are sold or given away. Your son needs these goodies far less than he needs to develop character. Providing him with food and a bed and loving discipline is your job. Having an empty bedroom might just teach him that blessing comes with obedience and disobedience leads to curse.
You may wonder if he is too old to smack (spank) or physically force to do something. Generally, my advice would be that parents want to be almost done with this by the age of 9. However, it seems entirely likely that this loving duty has been neglected in earlier years, and it may be important for Dad to show his son that Dad is a physical force to be reckoned with and he must come under Dad’s authority. This must never be done in unrighteous and uncontrolled anger, so if you can’t manage that you should not try it. Furthermore, Dad should consider the laws of his country and whether he should risk breaking them for the good of his son or if it is not worth the risk.
On the positive side of things, Dad must do the opposite of his natural desire to flee from his child. His undesirability is going to make this hard, but Dad must actually spend more time with him. Take him away for a father-son trip in the mountains. Take him fishing. Give him plenty of time with you. Try to repair that relationship that is quite obviously tenuous. This must be done in the context of firm unwavering authority. Love and spending time with him does not mean putting up with rudeness and disobedience.
It’s not going to be easy, but men weren’t designed for easy. God wanted us to wrestle with challenges. So go get to it.