My wife recently shared with me this article written by a Jana Hocking, who laments the lack of good men. What she doesn’t get about men becomes swiftly apparent. So I decided, being the good bloke I am, to help out with a bit of dating advice. Let me begin by making a general observation about the different standards we hold for men and women. It’s often assumed that women can and should be picky about men, but when men have the temerity to be picky about women, whiny cries of “Where are all the good men?” are heard. If a woman can’t find a man, the fault is automatically seen to be men. While this might be true, there also might be more to this. Complaining that you are single and then expecting men to take you on is backwards. If you want a man, you probably need to think carefully about what men are looking for. So what are men looking for?
Sex. Yes well there is obviously that. Men are attracted to youth and beauty. That is why women will find it easier to get dates in their 20s than they will in their thirties where the dates are likely to start drying up. And unfortunately in our current environment, the sexual revolution has done women no favours in this regard. In the old days, women held real power. If a man wanted sex, he would generally have to marry a girl. Thus marriage occurred at an earlier age. Now, the tables are turned. Women, in the name of liberation, have given the very power they held over men away for nothing in return. Men don’t need to make any commitments for sex. The ‘price’ of sex has never been lower for men. And that, unfortunately, affects every single woman – even the chaste ones.
Jana writes about her friend group. “I might be biased, but seriously, they are all gorgeous, outgoing, have awesome jobs and are hilariously fun. Yet, here we are in our 30s, still chatting about the various dates we’d been on and pondering about blokes taking forever to text us back.”
Now men, are not (honestly!) all one-dimensional. Sex is clearly important to men, but for many (most) men, there is also a desire for a long-term partner. What we are looking for here is someone who complements us. And this is where Jana goes wrong. She quotes Dr Kate Adams, a TV vet; “I have found that successful women generally aren’t seen as appealing for guys, particularly when the opposite tends to be true when women view a potential partner.” What a wonderful discovery. Men and women look for different things in a partner. Jana later tells of her experience that most men aren’t interested in her career ambitions and goals. She writes of men who have “really championed my cause” in the realm of career, but questions, “where are they in the dating world?“
Here’s the thing. A lot of men aren’t interested in your career. They are looking for a romantic partner who will complete them and offer what they do not have. If they are a strong candidate – i.e., they have a successful career themselves, they are most likely looking for what they do not have, that is, someone who can make a home and children. We are not interested in your careers if we are interested in a romantic relationship with you. If we care about your career, we are treating you more as a mate or colleague and less as a romantic possibility.
Men are driven by their design to provide and protect. They need someone to provide for and protect. We want a woman – in all her glorious differences. We want someone who will build a glorious haven and have children with us. We do not want someone aspiring to be a man. And that’s how a career woman comes across to many of us. Now you can call us backward if you like. You can tell us we need to get with the modern age. But many of us have found great wives who do complement us. And as the Proverb says, she is worth far more than rubies. Maybe we don’t need to change, maybe you do.
So you have a choice – you can either meet the market, or you can whine about it. There are two distinct markets that Jana will need to think about. First, there are guys out looking for a cheap score. These are the guys just looking for no-commitment sex. Then there are men who are looking for sex yes, but also want to find a woman to complement them. Let’s face it, neither of these markets are particularly interested in a woman’s career, but one is more likely to be interested in and value a woman more than the other. Jana seems to be opting to market herself to the men in the first market. She is marketing herself on sex appeal. We have a picture of her in sexy lingerie that she has shared on Instagram. That ticks box one. But as she ages, she will have less and less value to men in that area. What will she compensate with?