Reddit Parenting Advice #10 – Changing Identities

The more I look at parenting posts on Reddit, the more I am struck by how inadequately some people are prepared by their faulty worldviews for parenting, but as a connoisseur of human folly, I have to admit I do find I am intensely interested to read how crazy things can get when parents set themselves adrift from the anchor of reality found in Christ alone. My deep hope is that the parenting thread on Reddit somehow attracts all of the very worst parents into a common space where they can encourage and commiserate with each other in their inadequate approaches to parenting and spread their poisonous advice in a space where it will impact only those already infected with their madness. Is that too harsh? Well, check out this latest tragedy. N.B. Spelling and grammatical errors have been left in.

I have a child who has ODD and depression that has latched on to what appears to be a fad. Claiming oppression as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community and changing their description over and over in alignment with friends who are doing the same. Sophia was born female and has identified with Pan at one point, lesbian, trans, furry, and it evolves. She has started to get angry if we don’t use the favored pronouns which also change without notice. The name used has been one of about 4 over the last 2 years and has settled on “Robin” recently. If she is accidently referred to as Sophia by me she loses it. The weird thing is that I’ve been extremely involved in activism pertaining to LGBTQIA+ issues for over a decade and have attempted to involve her from early childhood. (walking in pride parades and taking her with me to events) Has anyone else sensed a faddish reaction in their kids to this recently? I know that during the pandemic she has been watching far more influencers online than I’m comfortable with. Her mother and I are in conflict over how much she watches and what she watches.

Let’s analyse this stream of folly droplet by droplet. I have a child who has ODD and depression that has latched on to what appears to be a fad. Alarm bells are already ringing at this point. Why doesn’t anyone question why children today seem to be diagnosed with so many disorders. As we have mentioned previously, ODD is essentially the description of a child who has not learnt to govern themselves. And depression? As a school teacher who has many conversations with children, I can tell you that there are some interesting home commonalities in children who suffer from anxiety and depression. These things seem to be symptoms of a larger problem, not the actual problem itself.

Claiming oppression as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community and changing their description over and over in alignment with friends who are doing the same. That right there is a failure in parenting. If you have your children in a government school at the moment, let this be a warning to you. These places are no longer safe for your child. The LGTQIAlphabet cult wants your children, and school is the perfect place to pervert them and enlist them to their unrighteous cause. Unfortunately for you, other children are a powerful influence on your children, and what they do impacts what your children do. The Bible clearly teaches this. In I Corinthians 15:33, Paul says, Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.” Part of the job of a parent is to be the gatehouse in determining which influences are allowed in your child’s life.

Sophia was born female and has identified with Pan at one point, lesbian, trans, furry, and it evolves. See, poor parenting is definitely part of the problem here. What do you mean she was born female? She is a girl, she has been female from conception. When you say she was born female, you indicate the possibility that sex is mutable. It is not. From conception, she has been female and she will never be anything else no matter how many toddler tantrums she has as she shakes her fist at you and ultimately the God who made her. And for those of you who do not want to be traumatised, I suggest not even finding out what identifying as furry means.

She has started to get angry if we don’t use the favored pronouns which also change without notice. The name used has been one of about 4 over the last 2 years and has settled on “Robin” recently. If she is accidently referred to as Sophia by me she loses it. Interestingly your daughter’s Christian name means wisdom. The very thing you as a parent need to pray for because so far you seem to be lacking in this department. It’s interesting that she has given away the name ‘wisdom’ for a name meaning fame. It seems highly likely that a lot of young girls attracted to this choose your own identity nonsense are seeking fame. They want someone to acknowledge them to take an interest in them as someone special. They are crying out for love.

The weird thing is that I’ve been extremely involved in activism pertaining to LGBTQIA+ issues for over a decade and have attempted to involve her from early childhood. (walking in pride parades and taking her with me to events). Well there we go. What can you expect? What you sow, so shall you reap. You wanted to celebrate this identity nonsense and encourage your child to do so, and you expected her to turn out a well-adjusted young girl?

Has anyone else sensed a faddish reaction in their kids to this recently? I know that during the pandemic she has been watching far more influencers online than I’m comfortable with. Her mother and I are in conflict over how much she watches and what she watches. Here we see some deep underlying issues. Mum and Dad cannot agree on basic parenting philosophy. They can’t agree on who they let influence their children. Dad is correct in that many of these influencers have the nutritional value of a sewer, but there is more going on here than who the child watches online. There is a breakdown in the family dynamic. Dads ought to lead and protect their families. Mums need to support Dads in their leadership role. There needs to be a unified front.

Reddit Parenting Advice #3

In previous reddit parenting advice posts, we have investigated a Mummy who tried getting into a cot, and a question about weight. Today we are looking at a child with oppositional defiance disorder or potentially a Dad with Passive Parenting Syndrome.

Our son is 9 and is oppositional defiant. We’ll have an official diagnosis soon but I mean what else could it be? Straight up defiant from morning until night. Honestly we want to give him to the state and let them deal with him. We have 2 other boys 7 and 3 and it’s not fair to them. We don’t want to spend the next how ever many years dealing with this every day. I can’t get work done, we neglect the other 2 kids because all our time is spent on him. It’s absolutely insane why someone would want to push you and defy you on all fronts. He questioned me today on if getting out of the car is listening to me when I asked him to get out of the car. He repeats himself even if you answer the question, which I didn’t because it’s a stupid question and I won’t fall into his trap. Then he refused to go inside, then he refused to go up the stairs, then he refused to take a shower. Every step was just questioning. We flipped our lid. This was after a day of him going after his brother and getting rise out of him at 7 am, kicking him in the throat (although the middle child was going after him so I’m not sure what went down exactly), and basically defying anything I asked him to do, literally anything all day long. And guess what? Tomorrow it starts all over again. He talks all day long, watching movies with him is impossible because he’s always talking through them. He has anxiety and maybe something else, who knows.

Let’s begin with the incoming official diagnosis of Oppositional Defiance Disorder. There’s a word for ODD: sin. As far as I’ve been able to find out, to be diagnosed with ODD a child must have at least four of the following symptoms: often loses temper, touchy and easily annoyed, angry and resentful, often argues with adults, often actively defies or refuses to comply with requests from authority figures or rules, often deliberately annoys others, often blames others for mistakes and misbehaviour and has been spiteful or vindictive at least twice in the last six months. To be diagnosed with ODD, there must be a ongoing pattern of these behaviours.

So ODD is essentially a description of a collection of behaviours – behaviours that you expect to find in children. All of my children regularly exhibit a number of these behaviours. In fact, from my experience in dealing with children, I think ODD is a description of childhood. What toddler does not struggle with his temper? What child does not argue with adults? What child does not deliberately annoy his siblings? What child does not blame others for their misbehaviour? What child is not periodically vindictive? What we have here is a list of sins typical to childhood and unfortunately some adults who have never learned to curb them.

We are already talking about getting another therapist for me and my wife so we can get help dealing with it.It sucks.

This surprised me. I assumed I was reading the words of a mother. But no, here we have a father whining about his son. Herein lies part of the problem. Men are responsible for their family’s health. Fathers should be men who actively lead. Yet here we have a father who seems passive and resigned to being acted upon. What father cannot handle a 9-year-old boy? Why do you tolerate his behaviour and backchat? You are a man. You have strength and presence. Use it. Be a man.

Parenting philosophy matters. The way you think about parenting and children determines your destination. This is seen even from the earliest days of parenting. Parents who approach feeding and sleeping from a child-led perspective often end up fighting behavioural issues. Children who have learned from infancy that their desires determine their parents’ action tend to become disagreeable children. Philosophy drives practice. This is another case of the easy choices leading to a harder road.

We are already trying to arrange vacations without him because he ruins every vacation we go on. We can’t bring him on a plane out of fear that he’ll have one of his psychotic melt downs. I cringe when he wakes up and I hear him come down the stairs. I hate spending time with him. I hate spending money on him or signing him up for activities. He deserves nothing. I’m so pissed just typing this out. How do parents deal with this? I can’t even explain it to people because when I do there like “boys are boys”, “we all have kids”, “it gets better with time”. Hell no it doesn’t. It’s gotten much worse and honestly the next few years are freaking us out. The kids super smart, and I hate when parents say that about their kids because they all think there kid is smart but I wouldn’t be shocked if his IQ is 130+ when he gets tested next week.

And this is where a child-led parenting model tends. You begin secretly hating your children. They are not pleasant to be around. Life becomes miserable. Scripture puts it this way: “A foolish son is a grief to his father and bitterness to her who bore him.” Unfortunately, it’s worse for the child. A child whose parents do not like him will find he has few adult admirers either, and that is a very bad thing for his development.

He doesn’t struggle with school, loves God, and is social and has friends in the neighborhood. I’m not really asking for anything, we just feel so lost and alone. I know there are other parents out there and maybe I should reach out for support, but that’s easier said than done. I just wanted to vent and if anyone knows any good places to send him for the summer let me know so we can actually enjoy ourselves as a family.

Again we see a very unmanly approach to the situation. Dad wants to vent. He wants to remove his son from his family rather than deal with the situation and fix it. This approach to fatherhood and manhood is perhaps an unfortunate consequence of a world that hates masculine strength and decries it as toxic masculinity. Men who reject their place as strong loving leaders in their families inevitably become passive. Like a lion caged it’s pitiable.

How would a Dad like this turn things around? He would need to begin by admitting his responsibility for the situation he finds himself in. Yes, this son may be a difficult boy, but he is only a boy. What this boy needs is a strong father. Dad needs to repent of his weakness and ask God for wisdom and strength to help his son and to show love for him. By showing love, I do not mean liking his son, I mean doing what is in the best interests of his son.

Next Dad needs to sit down with his truculent son and confess his sin as a father to his son. It would go something like this. “Son, I have let you get away with things that are slowly destroying you and hurting the relationships in this family. I am committing to no longer allowing that. I am now going to lead you and I will discipline you when you go off the path. This discipline will hurt, but it is because I am charged by God to love you.”

Then Dad needs to think long and hard about severe consequences for his son’s defiance and sin. Does he have a cellphone? Does he use technology and play games? Is his room full of toys? If so these items are going to be part of the disciplinary process. As your son shows defiance and rudeness, these good things that you have given him can and should be taken away. My suggestion is that they are sold or given away. Your son needs these goodies far less than he needs to develop character. Providing him with food and a bed and loving discipline is your job. Having an empty bedroom might just teach him that blessing comes with obedience and disobedience leads to curse.

You may wonder if he is too old to smack (spank) or physically force to do something. Generally, my advice would be that parents want to be almost done with this by the age of 9. However, it seems entirely likely that this loving duty has been neglected in earlier years, and it may be important for Dad to show his son that Dad is a physical force to be reckoned with and he must come under Dad’s authority. This must never be done in unrighteous and uncontrolled anger, so if you can’t manage that you should not try it. Furthermore, Dad should consider the laws of his country and whether he should risk breaking them for the good of his son or if it is not worth the risk.

On the positive side of things, Dad must do the opposite of his natural desire to flee from his child. His undesirability is going to make this hard, but Dad must actually spend more time with him. Take him away for a father-son trip in the mountains. Take him fishing. Give him plenty of time with you. Try to repair that relationship that is quite obviously tenuous. This must be done in the context of firm unwavering authority. Love and spending time with him does not mean putting up with rudeness and disobedience.

It’s not going to be easy, but men weren’t designed for easy. God wanted us to wrestle with challenges. So go get to it.