Reddit Parenting Advice #9 – Mother Doesn’t Know Whether Her Daughter is Arthur or Martha

As our culture turns its back further on Christ the king we begin to see the utter foolishness of rebellious unbelief. Truly it is the fool who says in his heart there is no God. The denial of the transcendent self-existent God who reveals truth to us through his world and Word ultimately leads to insanity. So today’s Reddit advice post is a sad reminder of our need to turn back to Christ in repentance and faith. Let’s get to the post.

Hi y’all! I’m really needing some guidance and advice on how to deal with this situation. I have a 4 year old girl who for the past two years has been telling me she’s a boy. I have never corrected her but I have asked why she thinks that and will respond with “because I am!” Or “I like blue”. She always wants to play a dad/ brother role when she’s playing pretend.

So here we have a supposedly mature adult who needs help with telling a four year old the facts of life. A four year old girl is telling Mum that she is a boy. Mum is not sure what to do. She doesn’t say, “Well no, you’re a girl sweetheart!”, instead she decides that asking probing questions will help, because, you know, four-year-olds are known for their rationality. Oh! She’s a boy because she likes the colour blue. Right. Here’s a question, if your four year old told you that the sky is green, would you ask them why they thought that, or would you correct them on their obvious misunderstanding of facts? Parents are given to children by God to help their children to develop into maturity. That means a parent is there to give truth to their child. The parent helps their child see the world as it truly is. And yet this mother is hiding truth and acting as if her preschool child has wisdom when she is clearly completely confused. Let’s continue with this travesty.

After two years of letting her do her thing I finally asked if she wanted a “boy hair cut” she happily agreed! I told my mom about how I’m going to take her to get her hair cut and my mom clapped back saying I was pushing her and I shouldn’t have asked and let her bring it up. We ended up cutting her hair and she looks super cute and she says she likes it but she has also said things like “now I’m not cute like my sister” or “Grandma won’t love me”

The child is completely confused, and you, dear Mother are not helping. Sort yourself out.

She also has a identical twin sister. I think she’s really just trying to be opposite of her sister “I’m a boy and she’s a girl” “I like blue and she likes pink” Even “I’m hot and she’s cold” I’ve never dressed them the same and allowed them to pick out their own clothes. One has always chosen girls clothes and the other mostly boy clothes but she does wear girl clothes, dresses up as a princess and plays with towards geared towards girls.

I’m really trying to handle this the best way possible and I think I’m messing everything up and pushing her to be a boy when I’m just trying to support her.

Yes, you are messing things up. This is a complete failure of parenting. You are meant to be the rock – the anchor point for your child in these formative years. You are meant to be the authority. Yet like so many modern parents, you are afraid of being an authority and telling your child anything. You won’t tell her what she will wear, you won’t tell her she is a girl. Children are not little adults. You must nurture them in order for them to flourish and thrive. When planting a young fruit tree, you might tie it to a stake. You will pull out weeds that might smother it. You will tend that tree and prune off some branches in order that it may one day produce more fruit. You don’t just leave it and hope for the best. Not if you want that tree to flourish. As a parent your job is similar. You don’t just leave your child to figure everything out. You provide authority, and boundaries and truth. Failure in this area will destroy your child. Once upon a time, parents knew their job was to…well parent. Now, we have adults who can’t tell Arthur from Martha. What a fiasco.

The Directory for Private (Family) Worship #3

Today we continue working our way through the directory for private worship. Last week, we considered the second direction for family worship. We saw that there were three regular aspects to family worship that the church leaders encouraged. First there was prayer both for the church, for the kingdom and for the needs of the family. Secondly, they were to read and teach the Scriptures in an understandable way. One of the ways that was encouraged was the catechising of the family. Finally, there was an encouragement to admonish and rebuke family members ‘for just reasons’. Sin must never be allowed to fester in the Christian family. Let us now look to the third direction.

As the charge and office of interpreting the holy scriptures is a part of the ministerial calling, which none (however otherwise qualified) should take upon him in any place, but he that is duly called thereunto by God and his kirk; so in every family where there is any that can read, the holy scriptures should be read ordinarily to the family; and it is commendable, that thereafter they confer, and by way of conference make some good use of what hath been read and heard. As, for example, if any sin be reproved in the word read, use may be made thereof to make all the family circumspect and watchful against the same; or if any judgment be threatened, or mentioned to have been inflicted, in that portion of scripture which is read, use may be made to make all the family fear lest the same or a worse judgment befall them, unless they beware of the sin that procured it: and, finally, if any duty be required, or comfort held forth in a promise, use may be made to stir up themselves to employ Christ for strength to enable them for doing the commanded duty, and to apply the offered comfort. In all which the master of the family is to have the chief hand; and any member of the family may propone a question or doubt for resolution.

This is an interesting direction. It begins with something that I’m not sure is biblical. It seems to be arguing that the only person who should interpret the Scriptures is someone who is called to by God and the church, so presumably pastors. While I would agree that ideally our pastors should be the most qualified in reading and interpreting the Scriptures, it would seem to me that there is no biblical reason that other Christians should not be seeking to do so themselves.

Nevertheless, it seems that the framers of this directory argue that it is important for every family to read the Scriptures together and then ‘confer’ and ‘make good use of what hath been read and heard.’ I note that the word here is confer rather than interpret, but it seems to me, we are all ‘interpreting’ when we seek to make good use of the Scriptures we have read. Indeed, Ephesians 6:4 instructs fathers to bring their children up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Presumably being able to interpret Scripture is an important aspect of this. Perhaps I am misunderstanding the distinction being made here.

Despite this, I think the point being made here is helpful. When we sit down and read the Scriptures together as a household, it is good to consider together what Christ is saying to us through his word. It is a good opportunity for us to reprove or confess sin, to warn each other of the dangers and judgments that await those who reject God’s word, to comfort each other with the comfort of Christ or to encourage each other on toward love and good deeds. The final reminder is the importance of having a master in the family who is leading the discussion and the opportunity for all members of the household to ask questions or express doubts so that they can be worked through. This is wisdom. To the fathers, and those who aspire to lead families, this calls for regular study and reading of Scripture ourselves so that we can lead our families well in this area.

Reddit Parenting Advice #8 – Boys and Screens

The Reddit parenting subreddit has been useful in finding food for thought on this blog. We have investigate issues pertaining to sleep, weight, oppositional defiance disorder, and children vs career among other topics. Today we are looking at boys and screens.

 I need academic advice. We had to ground my son from electronics due to low grades and not paying attention in class. He has them back since he did improve (a little) he is still struggling with math and science and sometimes reading. He only has them on the weekends after he studies during the week and does his morning routine. We did equal work for equal play. So he doesn’t study he doesn’t play. But I know he also used to really depend on help from his grandma to do his homework. When we moved we had him doing it on his own and it was a struggle. He couldn’t. He asked us questions all the time and for breaks when he only had like 4 questions done. My mom didn’t help us. We got what we got the only thing she did was make sure we got our homework done. Even for project, she got us the supplies but we did 90% of the work. What could be the issue games or too much help? Do you parents help your kids with school or let them get what they earn? Do you parents have gamer kids who are doing good in their academics? Do you limit or not limit? Or should I just not worry and let him be let natural consequences take its course. Like he fails he will have to repeat the grade. He does enjoy getting good grades, so my fear is if he keeps struggling he might lose interest in his academics.

So in summary we have a 9 year old boy who has been grounded from electronics due to low grades and lack of focus in class. This parent has noticed that her son is relies heavily on grandma to get his homework done, and is wondering whether games are potential behind his lethargy regarding effort in school work.

This is a great question. As a teacher, I have seen all too often that boys and screens are an unfortunate combination. There is something about gaming that is attractive to boys. It tends to become an all-consuming passion for many, and can become the only topic of conversation, even in the playground. I once did an informal survey of a 9-11 year old class I taught. One of the boys spent 14 hours gaming in a matter of a few days. Needless to say, he was not in good academic shape. His writing was boring, because he had few real world experiences and read very little outside of school. His maths was also sub par. He was a nice boy, but he was headed for low skill employment, all because his parents refused to take responsibility for the indirect teaching that screen time represents.

When considering boys (or indeed children) and screens, a parent must do a cost benefit analysis. I have done one with my children, and found that the benefits of allowing them regular discretionary screen time are fairly minimal. The costs are considerable and are too often ignored. As a family we have decided that we value our children engaging in creative play, reading, and outdoor fun far more than we value gaming and TV watching. Accordingly, we have never allowed our children to play video games unattended, and they rarely play them at all. They might watch a movie once or twice a month. It’s not that these things are bad, it’s that we believe there are better things they can be doing.

How does this work out for us? Fairly well. We notice our children can amuse themselves for hours with imaginary games. They do not whine to watch TV or play on a tablet. It is just not a part of their normal expectations of life. Has this made a difference academically? One of our children is a boy in this 9-year-old sort of range. He is like many other boys of this age – not super at focussing, and not hugely interested in school work. However, he can be given tasks to complete. He loves making things, and will occupy himself with cardboard and scissors and string making odd contraptions. We try not to baby him when it comes to projects and expect him to take a lead in doing the work. Sure he has a long way to go, but he does not have the addictive poison of screen time which dampens a boy’s natural interest in God’s world running through his veins.

So my advice to parents would be this. Avoid video games for your boys. Boys easily become addicted to them, and they become consumed by them. If you do decide to go this route, make it a family activity. By this I mean it should be something done in the family community. For example, once a month could be PlayStation night and children and parents gather in the lounge together and play a game with each other, taking turns. In my opinion, avoid at all costs allowing your boy to have a computer or device that he is allowed to pick up and play games on when he feels like it. This is not conducive to a boy’s development of responsible masculinity. Restrict and control the use of screens so that it is a small part of your boys life. Find better things for your boy to do. Think about what activities will help him develop real-life skills that will aid him become a responsible man who can lead his family well.

The Directory for Private (Family) Worship #2

We are working our way through the directory for private worship. Last week, we considered the first direction for private worship. We saw that individuals in the household were to be reading the Scriptures and praying on their own, and that the head of the household was responsible for seeing this attended to. Today we move on to the second direction.

II. The ordinary duties comprehended under the exercise of piety which should be in families, when they are convened to that effect, are these: First, Prayer and praises performed with a special reference, as well to the publick condition of the kirk of God and this kingdom, as to the present case of the family, and every member thereof. Next, Reading of the scriptures, with catechising in a plain way, that the understandings of the simpler may be the better enabled to profit under the publick ordinances, and they made more capable to understand the scriptures when they are read; together with godly conferences tending to the edification of all the members in the most holy faith: as also, admonition and rebuke, upon just reasons, from those who have authority in the family.

In this direction, three ordinary duties that should be regularly undertaken in families are envisaged. First of all prayer and praise. The framers of this directory suggest three primary areas of prayer. Prayer in the family should focus on the condition of the kirk or church, and ‘this kingdom’, by which I think they are speaking of the realm of Scotland. Additionally, prayers should be made with respect to the family and the individuals within it.

Secondly, the Scriptures ought to be read and taught in a plain way. The concept of catechising implies the use of catechisms such as the Westminster Shorter Catechism which was designed to teach good doctrine to children. Today, many have a negative view of catechisms. Some of the criticisms are that catechisms do not change hearts, and that we should let each Scripture speak for itself rather than treat the Bible like an encyclopedia of doctrine. In defence of catechisms, it is important to note that all of us read Scripture through a theological lens, and it is preferable to read it through a lens that was constructed by men who were theologically sharp than lenses made out of a bit of plastic perspex which we have put together ourselves from some poorly written worship songs and some evangelical memes. The benefit of this kind of family worship to the church is significant. When families are conducting this kind of teaching at home, churches can lift their game in teaching, because those attending will be ‘more capable to understand the scriptures when they are read’.

The third duty recommended by this directory is admonition and rebuke. The framers of the directory add the phrase ‘upon just reasons’. Here fathers are required to rebuke the members of their households for sin. We should not look the other way to keep peace, as tempting as it sometimes is. Rather we are to be directly involved not just in teaching the Scriptures, but in applying the truths of Scripture into the life of the family.

The Directory for Private (Family) Worship #1

Recently we looked at the concern the Church of Scotland had that fathers conduct family worship. Today we continue in this vein by looking at the first article of the directory for private worship. Although the language is archaic, with a little careful reading, it should be comprehended.

I. And first, for secret worship, it is most necessary, that every one apart, and by themselves, be given to prayer and meditation, the unspeakable benefit whereof is best known to them who are most exercised therein; this being the mean whereby, in a special way, communion with God is entertained, and right preparation for all other duties obtained: and therefore it becometh not only pastors, within their several charges, to press persons of all sorts to perform this duty morning and evening, and at other occasions; but also it is incumbent to the head of every family to have a care, that both themselves, and all within their charge, be daily diligent herein.

From this we see a concern that every believer be privately marked by regular prayer and meditation. This is seen by the church leaders of the time as the right preparation for all our duties – be they as husband, wife or child. Pastors were seen as having a duty to encourage very strongly all those in their congregation to perform prayer and meditation on God’s Word at both ends of the day (and other times to). Additionally, the heads of families (in most cases this would be the father) are responsible not only for there own spiritual feeding in this manner, but all in their household. This was a challenge to me as a father. Although we read the Scriptures together and pray together morning and night, I do not regularly check to see my children are reading the Scriptures on their own. This has encouraged me to do this more regularly.

Reddit Parenting Advice #7

We continue on our Reddit parenting advice series with a slightly different type of query. In this post, we explore career vs family. How do we decide what weighting to give career vs children? As Christians, we must let God’s Word determine how we approach life. So let’s take a look at the question and then consider briefly what a Christian response might be.

Partner and I have two beautiful children, 2.5 and 8 months. We don’t “feel” done, but at the same time, we know that growing our family is not untenable, but not the smartest move, with our current careers. More specifically, I (33F) would have to modify the career path I’d envisioned in order for a bigger family, as my husband’s (35M) isn’t as flexible as mine.

I want to grow my family, but not at the expense of my education and a huge part of my identity. Or maybe I don’t know it yet, but a large part of my identity is having 3+ children! Parents who struggled with this dilemma, how did you decide where your priorities were?

First of all, when considering this question, we must consider the concept of career. In the past, our forefathers tended to think of their work as a vocation – a calling. It was a way of providing for themselves and their families, and it was a way of serving the community. When considering career, both as fathers and mothers, we need to remember that our identities should not be tied to this aspect of our lives. We don’t have careers for ourselves. We work to feed our family and to serve the world through the gifts God has given us, but climbing a corporate ladder for our identity without regard to the impact this has on our family is unwise.

Secondly, we need to consider what God tells us about masculine and feminine roles. Now even in Christian circles, this will seem old fashioned, but it seems to me that the Bible clearly teaches different roles for husbands and wives. A brief read of Genesis 1 and 2 will demonstrate that before the fall into sin, Adam, as the first husband was required to lead, provide food from the garden and protect the garden and implicitly his wife. A husband is directed outward to the world and the dominion mandate. Eve, as Adam’s wife was directed toward Adam as his helper. How does she help him in the dominion mandate? She bears children. Thus together they are able to fill the earth and subdue it. The apostle Paul teaches that wives ought to be focussed on their husbands and children and be busy in the home. Of course, a lot more could be said here, but the Bible teaches that men should provide for their families, and wives should be focussed on nurture and the domestic sphere. This does not mean that a wife is unable to work or do anything outside the home, as the Proverbs 31 woman demonstrates. It does mean that her priority is her children and husband. All this is a long way of saying that as a wife, your God-given mission is your husband and your children – so go to it! God did call us to be fruitful and multiply, so I’d say that if possible that means more than two! You’ll always find joy in fulfilling your God-given calling.

Finally, we should note that for most of us, we will never have careers of great importance. Not many of us will be CEOs of major corporations. Not many of us will be Prime Ministers. Few of us will be movie stars. Most of our work, while serving neighbour, is not particularly awe-inspiring. Few will remember us after we are gone. So as Christians, we should realise that our greatest impact for Christ’s kingdom will be through the investment we make in our families. Investing strongly by spending time on your children’s spiritual development you are helping raise a grounded and strong family. These children will then in turn have an impact on the lives of their families. Who knows how many millions will be in Christ’s kingdom as a result of your faithfulness as a wife in this area? Likely as not, raising a godly family will be the most important work you do for Christ’s kingdom.

A Father’s Duty in Family Worship

Recently I was reminded of the Directory for Private Worship which was put together by the 1647 Assembly at Edinburgh. The document gives directions for family worship. The General Assembly believed that family worship was so important to the purity of the Christian faith, that they appointed “ministers and ruling elders in each congregation to take special care that these Directions be observed and followed.” So seriously did they take family worship that where the elders found families not engaging in family worship as prescribed, the head of the family would first be privately admonished, but if he continued in his negligence, he would be debarred from the Lord’s supper.

While this may seem excessive to our modern sensibilities, we can hopefully see the propriety of the concern. Firstly, they were right to see the importance of the Christian faith being taught and practised in the home. It is not enough for our Lord to be mentioned once a week at church and then ignored the rest of the time. Deuteronomy 6 reminds parents that daily regular teaching of children is to be conducted. Secondly, the ASsembly was correct in holding fathers responsible for this duty. God has given fathers authority in the family unit, and he holds them responsible for the training of children as Ephesians 6:4 demonstrates.

This is not something for men to take lightly. While our church leaders may no longer bar us from the table, we should not hold lightly our duty in this area. God still holds us responsible and he will hold us to account. One thing our family has developed and grown in over the years is pairing meals with Scripture and prayer. We always eat together at the table for breakfast and dinner, so we almost always read Scripture together and pray as well.

In a series of posts we will look at the directions set out in the Directory for Private Worship.

Are you serving your children up to cannibals?

There are only two things wrong with our schools: everything that our children don’t learn there and everything they do. The public schools, with their vast political and bureaucratic machinery, are beyond reform. That does not mean that persons of goodwill should not offer themselves up as missionaries of truth and goodness and beauty, to teach there, as in partibus furibundis. But we would be quite mad to send our children there, We send missionaries to cannibals. We do not serve the cannibals our boys and girls.

Anthony Esolen on schooling in Out of the Ashes

Reddit Parenting Advice #6

Today we are looking at the topic of tantrums which every parent with toddlers will be familiar with. The title of the Reddit post was “Tantrums are ruining parenthood for me”. Given that the entire post is long, I will comment on a few sections of it.

Let’s begin with this chestnut. I make most of my decisions based on whether or not it will result in a meltdown. If they have a meltdown, then I have a meltdown. Because of this, I feel like my children run the show—they are my boss. This mother makes her decisions based on whether or not it will lead to a tantrum. This is precisely the opposite of what she should be doing. She is electing for the easy choice hard road scenario we have mentioned in earlier posts. Interestingly, she knows that this has lead to an untenable parenting situation. She sees that she is controlled by her child’s tantrums because they impact her choices.

Our mother here needs to change her behaviour. Instead of running from meltdowns, she should seek them out. What do I mean? I do not mean that she should actively try to cause her children to throw tantrums, but she should use all situations to send her children the message that she is the authority and she will not be moved. If she senses she is about to make an ‘avoidance’ decision, she should instead aim for the tantrum. This stage of parenting is all about asserting authority. This is often the hardest when you are away from home. If she says it is time to leave the park, and the little one becomes upset, she should sternly say something like, “Mummy is the boss. We are going.” Then if the child continues to refuse she should pick him up and carry him to the car. At home, things tend to be easier, and she should use this to her advantage. More time at home with a toddler is a good thing, because training can include physical chastisement that might not be appropriate in public situations. An example might be she sees her toddler playing with some books that she does not want wrecked. In a commanding voice, she should say, “Don’t touch.” Invariably, the toddler will make a whining or screaming noise and keep on touching. This is the cue to walk over to the child, take the object away from him, give him a sharp tap on the hand or leg and say sternly, “Mummy said no!” This must all be done with no outward emotion. Short stern statements are the way to train toddlers.

If the child continues to whine and scream, a firmer impartation of knowledge to the seat of understanding (!!) may be called for along with a statement such as, “We don’t scream.” or “No tantrums!” Then, require a “Sorry Mummy” from your child.

This is what parenting during the toddler years needs to look like. Your goal is to demonstrate every day to your child that you love them, that you are their authority, and that what you say must be obeyed immediately, or there will be negative consequences. Consistent self-discipline in this area is key. Regularly acting like this does make tantrums less frequent as your toddler realises they are not worth the effort. Children disciplined in this way learn to become more compliant.

Our mother goes on to say, “I want to be able to focus on my kids and empathize with what they’re feeling rather than resent them for their behavior. I feel like I simply can’t do that when they are screaming in my face and stomping around the house. It feels like I’m physically incapable of viewing things from their POV during a fit.” Most of the time, you do not need to learn to empathise with a toddler. Much of their behaviour is completely selfish and destructive. Their emotions are ridiculously over the top. We do not want to empathise with these things. We want to train them to appropriately express frustration and disappointment, and throwing a tantrum is not appropriate. They need to learn from adults how to appropriately express themselves.

Cruel Mercies

It’s a funny thing. Those of a more godless statist bent tend to like to paint those who disagree with their methods as uncaring. But the truth is, we are actually caring, it’s just that our care is more thought out. We tend to be sceptical of state solutions because…well when have they ever improved a situation before?

A classic case is all the hand-wringing about child poverty. Leaving aside the definitional problems of child-poverty, what is one of the largest causes of child-poverty? Sole-parent families are a huge contributing factor to child-poverty. Lindsay Mitchell, a researcher into welfare in New Zealand recently authored a report which found that although single parent families make up 28 percent of all families with dependent children, they are the poorest families in NZ. Indeed, 51% of children in poverty live in single parent families, and these parents have the lowest home ownership rates and highest debt ratios. But do we see our leaders point out the truth that men and women who decide to have children together ought to stay together for the welfare of their children? Do we see government initiatives to support and strengthen two-parent families? Do we see an acknowledgement that this is the best way to bring children up? Of course not, that wouldn’t be…kind. So instead our leaders encourage behaviour that leads to more and more children being born into poverty and therefore we increase income inequality and hinder the life prospects of a large proportion of our population.

Truly, the mercy of the wicked is cruel.