In previous posts I began looking at questions parents had on Reddit. Thus far we’ve looked at putting a 15 month baby in a cot, an overweight child, the issue of oppositional defiance disorder, commonly known as childhood and the cost of daycare. In our fifth Reddit parenting post, we are looking at the issue of cell phones.
I was 16 when I got my first phone back in 2008 … but in today’s everchanging world, that seems “too old,” and I have no idea what is an acceptable age for kids to get their first cell phone. Like, ACTUAL cell phone with cellular, not just a tablet to play on or whatever.
Firstly, today might be an everchanging world, but wisdom is unchanging. Wisdom knows what children are like. Wisdom is able to apply principles to different situations and periods of history. That’s what we need as parents. So what are some timeless biblical principles we can use in this case.
Principle 1: Do not base your parenting rules on what everybody else is doing. What is acceptable in your family does not have to be the same as the vast majority of families. It might be, especially when the vast majority of families seem to be doing a good job of parenting. But with epidemic levels of anxiety and depression in young people today, it might likely be that you need to do things differently.
Principle 2: One of your primary jobs as a parent is to help protect your child from harm. Children are ignorant of danger and are easily exploited. You are responsible for the inputs in their life, and you are responsible that these inputs are not damaging to their development and moral character.
Principle 3: Parents are responsible for putting their children on the path toward self-discipline. Good parenting leads children to develop disciplined character. Children who have been raised well will not need someone standing over them watching them to ensure they are doing the right thing.
So let’s apply these principles to cell phone issue. Consider first of all why your child needs a cell phone. Is it because they are travelling a long distance regularly without you and you want them to be able to contact you in case of emergencies? Is it because all their friends have one and they feel left out? In other words, do they actually need one? If you are just getting them one because all the other children have one, you are not being guided by principles, unless your principle is simply “Do what everyone else does”, which surely is not a very wise principle.
Let’s assume that we have a real reason for a cell phone. We aren’t just giving our children one because all their friends have one. Now we can ask what kind of cell phone do they need. Because giving a cell phone is not some insignificant action. If we are giving them a smartphone and internet access, we are at the same time giving them access to a host of opportunities to waste time or degrade themselves including social media and pornography. For this reason alone, it may be wiser to hold off giving a smartphone, and give them an old phone with no internet access. Even then, it may be wiser to have a family ‘dumbphone’ that they can take when they go out.
Be aware that any phone you give your child gives them the opportunity to develop relationships without you knowing about it. Given that your job is protecting your child, you want to be sure they are at an age they can handle this. My advice as a man who has worked with youth for most of my career is that you want to put this off in almost all cases until your child is in their late teens. I cannot tell you how many good kids have ended up doing stupid things that have had significant long-term effects all because they had cell phones and naive parents.
I think it’s really easy for parents to see their 12-year-old as very mature and think, “They can handle this!” Invariably they cannot. A good kid at 12 still has to go through her teens. Teens have to manage issues like body image and sexual desire. They need to figure these out with wise adult counsel. What they often get when they have unfettered access to the internet is foolishness. Why do we have girls cutting themselves, struggling with anxiety and depression and becoming anorexic? Often because they are encouraged into this by the relationships they form online. Remember, the teenage mind is often not particularly rational, but emotionally driven. You need to protect them at this vulnerable time.
What about our third principle? How are we preparing them for adulthood? How are we ensuring they develop self-discipline? I think you really want to see this happen in small things first. Just as you wouldn’t let your 10-year-old drive the car, own a rifle or have whiskey, there are some things that require a certain amount of maturity for children to handle. It is my experience that unfettered internet access and cell phones are one of those things. So look for signs of self-discipline and responsibility in schoolwork and home chores as well as a growing discernment and wisdom from your children. When you see this is woven into their character not just on show for when adults are around, then you might consider that your child is cell phone ready. Personally, I think the cell phone is like the key we got on our 21st. It’s not a toy, it’s a tool for adults. My current thinking on this is it’s probably 18th birthday material for our children.