Parent-Controlled Childhood

The truth is…yesterday’s parent-controlled childhood protected children not only from sex, from work, and from adult decisions but also from the dominance of peers and from the market, with all its pressures to achieve, its push for status, its false lures, its passing fads. – Kay Hymowitz in Ready or Not – Why Treating Children as Small Adults Endangers Their Future – and Ours

Think about the impact and control your child’s peers are having on them. How are they being shaped by them? As parents our role is to shape our children, and part of that is controlling how they are shaped and who shapes them. Hannah Arendt is quoted by Hymowitz as pointing out that the authority of a group is stronger and more tyrannical than the severest authority of an individual person. We would do well to recognise this and protect our children.

Reddit Parenting Advice #3

In previous reddit parenting advice posts, we have investigated a Mummy who tried getting into a cot, and a question about weight. Today we are looking at a child with oppositional defiance disorder or potentially a Dad with Passive Parenting Syndrome.

Our son is 9 and is oppositional defiant. We’ll have an official diagnosis soon but I mean what else could it be? Straight up defiant from morning until night. Honestly we want to give him to the state and let them deal with him. We have 2 other boys 7 and 3 and it’s not fair to them. We don’t want to spend the next how ever many years dealing with this every day. I can’t get work done, we neglect the other 2 kids because all our time is spent on him. It’s absolutely insane why someone would want to push you and defy you on all fronts. He questioned me today on if getting out of the car is listening to me when I asked him to get out of the car. He repeats himself even if you answer the question, which I didn’t because it’s a stupid question and I won’t fall into his trap. Then he refused to go inside, then he refused to go up the stairs, then he refused to take a shower. Every step was just questioning. We flipped our lid. This was after a day of him going after his brother and getting rise out of him at 7 am, kicking him in the throat (although the middle child was going after him so I’m not sure what went down exactly), and basically defying anything I asked him to do, literally anything all day long. And guess what? Tomorrow it starts all over again. He talks all day long, watching movies with him is impossible because he’s always talking through them. He has anxiety and maybe something else, who knows.

Let’s begin with the incoming official diagnosis of Oppositional Defiance Disorder. There’s a word for ODD: sin. As far as I’ve been able to find out, to be diagnosed with ODD a child must have at least four of the following symptoms: often loses temper, touchy and easily annoyed, angry and resentful, often argues with adults, often actively defies or refuses to comply with requests from authority figures or rules, often deliberately annoys others, often blames others for mistakes and misbehaviour and has been spiteful or vindictive at least twice in the last six months. To be diagnosed with ODD, there must be a ongoing pattern of these behaviours.

So ODD is essentially a description of a collection of behaviours – behaviours that you expect to find in children. All of my children regularly exhibit a number of these behaviours. In fact, from my experience in dealing with children, I think ODD is a description of childhood. What toddler does not struggle with his temper? What child does not argue with adults? What child does not deliberately annoy his siblings? What child does not blame others for their misbehaviour? What child is not periodically vindictive? What we have here is a list of sins typical to childhood and unfortunately some adults who have never learned to curb them.

We are already talking about getting another therapist for me and my wife so we can get help dealing with it.It sucks.

This surprised me. I assumed I was reading the words of a mother. But no, here we have a father whining about his son. Herein lies part of the problem. Men are responsible for their family’s health. Fathers should be men who actively lead. Yet here we have a father who seems passive and resigned to being acted upon. What father cannot handle a 9-year-old boy? Why do you tolerate his behaviour and backchat? You are a man. You have strength and presence. Use it. Be a man.

Parenting philosophy matters. The way you think about parenting and children determines your destination. This is seen even from the earliest days of parenting. Parents who approach feeding and sleeping from a child-led perspective often end up fighting behavioural issues. Children who have learned from infancy that their desires determine their parents’ action tend to become disagreeable children. Philosophy drives practice. This is another case of the easy choices leading to a harder road.

We are already trying to arrange vacations without him because he ruins every vacation we go on. We can’t bring him on a plane out of fear that he’ll have one of his psychotic melt downs. I cringe when he wakes up and I hear him come down the stairs. I hate spending time with him. I hate spending money on him or signing him up for activities. He deserves nothing. I’m so pissed just typing this out. How do parents deal with this? I can’t even explain it to people because when I do there like “boys are boys”, “we all have kids”, “it gets better with time”. Hell no it doesn’t. It’s gotten much worse and honestly the next few years are freaking us out. The kids super smart, and I hate when parents say that about their kids because they all think there kid is smart but I wouldn’t be shocked if his IQ is 130+ when he gets tested next week.

And this is where a child-led parenting model tends. You begin secretly hating your children. They are not pleasant to be around. Life becomes miserable. Scripture puts it this way: “A foolish son is a grief to his father and bitterness to her who bore him.” Unfortunately, it’s worse for the child. A child whose parents do not like him will find he has few adult admirers either, and that is a very bad thing for his development.

He doesn’t struggle with school, loves God, and is social and has friends in the neighborhood. I’m not really asking for anything, we just feel so lost and alone. I know there are other parents out there and maybe I should reach out for support, but that’s easier said than done. I just wanted to vent and if anyone knows any good places to send him for the summer let me know so we can actually enjoy ourselves as a family.

Again we see a very unmanly approach to the situation. Dad wants to vent. He wants to remove his son from his family rather than deal with the situation and fix it. This approach to fatherhood and manhood is perhaps an unfortunate consequence of a world that hates masculine strength and decries it as toxic masculinity. Men who reject their place as strong loving leaders in their families inevitably become passive. Like a lion caged it’s pitiable.

How would a Dad like this turn things around? He would need to begin by admitting his responsibility for the situation he finds himself in. Yes, this son may be a difficult boy, but he is only a boy. What this boy needs is a strong father. Dad needs to repent of his weakness and ask God for wisdom and strength to help his son and to show love for him. By showing love, I do not mean liking his son, I mean doing what is in the best interests of his son.

Next Dad needs to sit down with his truculent son and confess his sin as a father to his son. It would go something like this. “Son, I have let you get away with things that are slowly destroying you and hurting the relationships in this family. I am committing to no longer allowing that. I am now going to lead you and I will discipline you when you go off the path. This discipline will hurt, but it is because I am charged by God to love you.”

Then Dad needs to think long and hard about severe consequences for his son’s defiance and sin. Does he have a cellphone? Does he use technology and play games? Is his room full of toys? If so these items are going to be part of the disciplinary process. As your son shows defiance and rudeness, these good things that you have given him can and should be taken away. My suggestion is that they are sold or given away. Your son needs these goodies far less than he needs to develop character. Providing him with food and a bed and loving discipline is your job. Having an empty bedroom might just teach him that blessing comes with obedience and disobedience leads to curse.

You may wonder if he is too old to smack (spank) or physically force to do something. Generally, my advice would be that parents want to be almost done with this by the age of 9. However, it seems entirely likely that this loving duty has been neglected in earlier years, and it may be important for Dad to show his son that Dad is a physical force to be reckoned with and he must come under Dad’s authority. This must never be done in unrighteous and uncontrolled anger, so if you can’t manage that you should not try it. Furthermore, Dad should consider the laws of his country and whether he should risk breaking them for the good of his son or if it is not worth the risk.

On the positive side of things, Dad must do the opposite of his natural desire to flee from his child. His undesirability is going to make this hard, but Dad must actually spend more time with him. Take him away for a father-son trip in the mountains. Take him fishing. Give him plenty of time with you. Try to repair that relationship that is quite obviously tenuous. This must be done in the context of firm unwavering authority. Love and spending time with him does not mean putting up with rudeness and disobedience.

It’s not going to be easy, but men weren’t designed for easy. God wanted us to wrestle with challenges. So go get to it.

Reddit Parenting Advice #2

Recently I decided to get in on the parenting advice act. Today we are looking at the issue of weight. This is an issue that is becoming more common among children. As a teacher who occasionally takes some outdoor education trips, I notice that what should be within the realms of capability for every student is now considered by some parents as too arduous.

Hi! Ive been very unsure on posting about this but I’m confident I’m not the only parent who worries about this, so I’m hoping to have a healthy discussion and maybe get some sound advice. We recently moved from our home state to a new one, and that’s really when I started to notice the weight gain in my daughter. She’s 7 and about 4’2” so she’s pretty tall for her age. I can attribute most of the gain to being in virtual school due to Covid and definitely not being as active due to not having a recess or much time to play outside, but also just the stress being in a new place with no friends or family has put on her. And because we are in doors a lot, she’s constantly wanting to snack on things. We live up North so the weather is just now getting to where I can start taking her outside and to the park regularly, so I’m sure that will help a lot also.

I guess I’m just wanting some tips, mostly to keep me from obsessing over it. She is considered overweight at her age and height, but she’s also very tall for her age.

While I’m no expert nutritionist, my basic understanding of weight gain is energy in exceeds energy out. So there are two aspects to look at. Consider energy in. Today in the Western we have more than enough food – even the very poorest among us. Compounding that, a lot of our food is high in sugar and low in nutritional value. So what could the problem be? One clue is that free snacking could be an issue. We have here a 7-year-old who is constantly wanting to snack on things. This is an issue I’ve seen in many households. I remember distinctly going to a friend’s house some years back, and their young boy was snacking away on unhealthy snacks not long before dinner time. Come dinner time he had no desire to eat the roast lamb dinner and vegetables. However, not long after dinner, he continued to snack on more unhealthy food.

So my first piece of advice would be to make sure that you the parent control your child’s intake of food. My wife is a stickler for this. She has trained our children so that they do not pick something up out of the fridge or pantry and eat it. These are her domain, not theirs. She issues the rations for the troops, and they eat said rations. There are times for food (breakfast, morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea and dinner), and there are times when you do not eat. Your child eats at the times food is offered to them, and they do not eat in between those times. In our days of loose parenting, I see young children assume the responsibility for their own nutrition and feeding. A child’s appetites are not to be trusted. No doubt many of us remember as children gorging ourselves at birthday parties and then suffering the consequences and ruing our lack of self-control standing over the toilet some hours later. As usual, parenting philosophy drives practice.

Secondly consider energy out. While we do not know a lot about the individual circumstance here, we do know that children today are more sedentary than children of previous generations. A large amount of blame can be directed to their discretionary screen time. Another aspect is precious parenting. We can be overly afraid of our children being outside because “it’s dangerous”. Additionally, we see our role as taking our children to activities or the park where parents of previous generations did not seem to think their job was to entertain children. When I was a child, I was allowed to walk to the park from a relatively young age with a friend. In fact, I remember a common refrain from my parents, “Go outside and play.” In some areas, this may not be wise, but our children can surely run around in the back yard, or build a snowman on the sidewalk. So my advice here? Reduce discretionary screen time significantly. Tell your child to get outdoors and play and be OK with the muddy clothes that may be a result.

Monopoly Education is Poor Education

In New Zealand, the Ministry of Truth Education may be looking at introducing or amending 135 school enrolment zones in Auckland. The plan is designed to save the Ministry millions of dollars by forcing parents to send their children to undersubscribed schools rather than oversubscribed ones which would require expensive expansion projects to keep up with demand. Having more enrolment zones gives the MOE more ability to manage this demand.

Obviously this is going to rub many parents up the wrong way. There is a reason parents try at all costs to avoid a local school and instead elect to send their child to a school further away. Why would parents make their lives more difficult? Quite simply, parents are closer to understanding their child’s needs, and have more skin in the game than faceless bureaucrats drawing lines on a map. Perhaps it would be better to consider why some schools are unpopular and why others are full. Perhaps instead of continuing to restrict choice we could increase choice and make schools more responsible for attracting students to their area by providing a service that parents actually want. Maybe, just maybe, leaders in unpopular schools could consider what it is that makes them unpopular and figure out how to turn the ship around.

Monopolies do not tend to provide excellent customer service, and we have a near-monopoly situation with education in New Zealand. Being in education, I am aware of independent schools in areas of Auckland that offer a basic no-frills education. These schools charge fees and still are bursting at the seams. You have to ask yourself why. Seriously. If these schools can attract people away from free schools charging thousands of dollars per year while simultaneously offering no optional extras – just a basic traditional education – how bad must the local schools be?

Could it be possible that most parents might know more about what good education looks like than the MOE and government bureaucracy? Yes. Would we be better off if the government retreated from its overly controlling approach to all things education and allowed parents more choice? Without a doubt. Would more choice lead to healthy competition? Certainly. Would educational standards rise? Of course. Would the unions and many teachers complain? Naturally, why would the turkey vote for Christmas? Should we do it anyway? Imagine the fun! Will this government do anything that will increase educational outcomes? Can the blind lead the blind?

Conservative Parents, Liberal Teachers

As a conservative Christian parent, I’ve always known that schools, in general, are not places that will support me as I attempt to impart my values and worldview to my children. Teaching tends to attract liberals and leftists who understand the power of moulding the minds of the next generation. This is why we as a family have chosen to homeschool our children. We believe this to be our job and we don’t want someone whose values are an antithesis to ours having anything to do with shaping our children.

Nevertheless, as a teacher, I do keep an eye on things educational, and I have friends who have children in a variety of different schools. I love to hear stories of what goes on. It is very interesting to see the double standards. The slightest whiff of conservative bias in a school and all hell breaks loose. But liberal bias is the norm and is ignored. Let me give you a few examples.

The Marijuana Debate

Recently, St Paul’s College, A Catholic school in Ponsonby Auckland had the message ‘To legalise is to normalise – Say No’ displayed on its electronic school sign. The sign referred to the upcoming referendum on liberalising cannabis law.

There were a number of complaints regarding this sign, as in New Zealand, people working in State services are required to act in the course of their duties in a politically neutral manner. This sign, according to some, contravenes this.

Questioning BLM out of School

Another particularly egregious example of the hounding of conservatives involved a teacher friend of mine who happened to wear a famous red hat to a BLM protest in order to provoke discussion about the Marixst origins of the movement. Despite doing this in his own time, his private details including where he worked were posted online, his school came under attack, complaints were made to the teacher’s council asking for his registration to be revoked, and on top of this he received death threats and threats that his wife would be raped.

Promoting BLM in School

What I find interesting is that this incident which occurred outside of school has lead to complaints, but far more insidious political bias is shown in schools day to day. For instance, one of my friend’s children, unbeknownst to him participated in a Black Lives Matter march around the school during school hours. Apparently this was ‘organised by the students‘. This was in a primary school (Years 0-6). Now let me assure you, dear reader, that having taught Year 5 & 6 students, I find it unlikely in the extreme that they would organise something like this unless they were prompted and supported in doing it.

In addition, this same state school, on its public Facebook page, posted A Parent’s Guide to Black Lives Matter, which contained sections such as How do I explain White Privilege? and The danger of saying “My child isn’t racist”. The booklet suggests further resources for parents to investigate. Let’s just say the list is hardly apolitical.

To give you an idea of the quality of the resources, let me highlight two. Parents were encouraged to get hold of Innosanto Nagara’s: A is for Activist, for age 1 and up. It’s an ABC book packed with definitions and eye-catching pictures that help children engage in and understand activism. Seriously! Activism for children age 1 up. How about education before we get to activism. Or for those with older kids, Reni Eddo-Lodge’s Why I’m no longer talking to White people about race is another recommendation. Doesn’t that sound like a wonderful book to help unite people!

So how did this go down in the media? What’s that sound you hear? Yes. Crickets.

The Reality

The reality out there in our public schools is that teachers are not unbiased. Teacher training was eye-opening in this regard. Teachers in NZ, are drawn mostly from the left side of the political spectrum. Many who go into teaching intend to push certain social agendas. I can recall teachers who wanted to ensure their students were forced to read more literature showing different kinds of family structures to counter the heteronormative ‘bias’. One teacher I know when being trained on sexuality education asked, “What if you think that it is the parents job to teach this sort of thing?” The reply of the lecturer? “Don’t be a teacher.”

Other parents have told me of their child’s teacher promoting veganism ‘for the good of the environment’, and telling their students why a particular left-wing party is the one they support.

A Call to Action

So do we just take this? Is this just the way it is? Should we give up and move on. No! Here are three things conservative parents should be doing.

1. Choose an option that fits with your family values

Conservative parents, realise that many schools are not places which support your life philosophy. Recognise that many teachers are hostile to your viewpoint and would consider you a bigot.

Recently I have heard some really tragic stories of grown children turning against parents. In one case, a father posted “all lives matter” on his Facebook profile only to be savagely attacked by his children’s friends as a bigot. Worst of all his children berated him publicly. These children have grown up and imbibed the liberal ethos of the day through the slow but steady brainwashing of school. The parents have not passed on their values to the next generation; someone else has.

If you have the opportunity and financial wherewithal, I certainly recommend looking at independent or special character schooling. Find a school that shares your values. Talk to the principal. Ask to meet a few teachers and see if you can chat with some parents who have children at the school. Perhaps consider homeschooling. While this is a financial sacrifice, it ensures that you are the ones who pass your values on to your children. If you can’t afford either of these options, get involved in the school as much as you can. Perhaps try to get elected to the board. Be seen and known.

2. Complain when your values are denigrated

What I have noticed is that conservatives tend to be less concerned with their values being threatened than more liberal folk. This is why there were complaints about a Catholic school promoting a ‘no’ vote for the cannabis referendum, but not a dicky bird regarding schools supporting the BLM protests.

Conservatives, you are tax-payers too. Your hard-earned money is spent lavishly on education. Your children are forced to attend these monopolistic schools unless you pay twice – once for the public schools in your taxes, and twice for the school of your choice. If you are paying for state schooling, then you have every right to complain about bias and brainwashing that goes against your family values. Do it! At the slightest whiff of political bias, arrange a meeting with the principal and lay a complaint.

If you get push-back, point your principal in this direction. State servants are meant to be politically neutral:

Persons working in the State services (State servants) are required to act in the course of their duties in a politically neutral manner.  This includes the requirement to act impartially and to implement the Government’s policies.

3. Push for true school choice

As I have suggested previously, it is parents who are responsible for the education of their children. As a Christian, I would go so far as to say, the government has no right to determine the education of children. They have stepped outside their God-given role when they dabble in education.

Unfortunately we live in times when the state has become the idol of the people, and people look to their god for everything, including education.

While we cannot help living in these times, we can push against the prevailing and faulty view of government. Vote for parties that push for school choice and options such as charter schools. Vote for parties that want to abolish zoning which has the tragic effect of forcing children from low-socioeconomic backgrounds to attend schools that are often performing poorly. Vote for parties that want to increase diversity of educational options for parents. Vote for parties that want education to be less centralized and more influenced by parents. Talk to other parents and sell the benefits of independent education. Get together other concerned parents and write to your MP or ask to meet with him or her.

You as a parent need to be able to ensure that your values are the ones that teachers are passing on to your children. Why should you have to pay for an education that runs counter to what you hold dear? Why should a conservative family have to pay tax for a school run by social liberals who are doing their best to undermine the values that your family has? They are our children. We brought them into the world, it’s up to us to train them and send them out into it.

The Endgame

So what’s the endgame? If we could get to the stage where the government backed right out of school education and left it up to parents to choose how their children were educated, that would be wonderful. Our taxes would be reduced significantly, education would be more efficient and no doubt cheaper, and we would have the freedom to choose an education that suits our children and families.

Levi and Mike: Round 2

In a previous post, Levi, a first-century Jewish convert to Christianity, who had somehow been miraculously transported to the modern West, argued with his host Mike about Christian education. Today the conversation continues.

Levi: So have you thought more about the discussion we had the other day on Christian education?

Mike: Not really, no. I guess I’m pretty busy at work at the moment….besides, I’m not convinced by your argument.

Levi: Did you know there’s a new school opening down the road next month?

Mike: And you think I should send my kids there?

Levi: Well it’s an Islamic school. So…would you?

Mike: Of course not! Why would you imagine I would do that?

Levi: Well, what if it was free?

Mike: What are you getting at! Of course I wouldn’t. We’re a Christian family. I don’t want my children taught from an Islamic perspective. They deny the Trinity and don’t believe Jesus actually died. But I get the feeling you’re trying to score a point here.

Levi: Yes, I am. If you wouldn’t send your child to an Islamic school, why do you send your child to a government school?

Mike: Seriously? They’re totally different. An Islamic school is religious. They are training children in the Islamic faith.

Levi: So do you believe that a government school is not religious?

Mike: No. State schools are set up to be secular. That means they are non-religious. The reason for this is so that no one faith is privileged.

Levi: Are you so naïve? Can you seriously believe that there is such a thing as a non-religious position? Neutrality is impossible in this area. Jesus said, “”Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters.” There are no neutral hearts. We are either in rebellion against Christ, or we acknowledge his lordship. Do you think God would consider ignoring him non-religious? Or would that be considered rebellious idolatry?

Mike: Ok, say I grant your point that there is no such thing as a neutrality. But still, I think the danger posed by a government school is significantly less than an Islamic school.

Levi: Do you? Given the impact secularism has had in undermining your civilization do you think you have perhaps miscalculated and underestimated the danger from the government schools? The West’s societies seem to be heading for rapid civilizational collapse as a result of their rebellion against God. Can you not see the connection between this and the training of its children?