Reddit Parenting Advice #9 – Mother Doesn’t Know Whether Her Daughter is Arthur or Martha

As our culture turns its back further on Christ the king we begin to see the utter foolishness of rebellious unbelief. Truly it is the fool who says in his heart there is no God. The denial of the transcendent self-existent God who reveals truth to us through his world and Word ultimately leads to insanity. So today’s Reddit advice post is a sad reminder of our need to turn back to Christ in repentance and faith. Let’s get to the post.

Hi y’all! I’m really needing some guidance and advice on how to deal with this situation. I have a 4 year old girl who for the past two years has been telling me she’s a boy. I have never corrected her but I have asked why she thinks that and will respond with “because I am!” Or “I like blue”. She always wants to play a dad/ brother role when she’s playing pretend.

So here we have a supposedly mature adult who needs help with telling a four year old the facts of life. A four year old girl is telling Mum that she is a boy. Mum is not sure what to do. She doesn’t say, “Well no, you’re a girl sweetheart!”, instead she decides that asking probing questions will help, because, you know, four-year-olds are known for their rationality. Oh! She’s a boy because she likes the colour blue. Right. Here’s a question, if your four year old told you that the sky is green, would you ask them why they thought that, or would you correct them on their obvious misunderstanding of facts? Parents are given to children by God to help their children to develop into maturity. That means a parent is there to give truth to their child. The parent helps their child see the world as it truly is. And yet this mother is hiding truth and acting as if her preschool child has wisdom when she is clearly completely confused. Let’s continue with this travesty.

After two years of letting her do her thing I finally asked if she wanted a “boy hair cut” she happily agreed! I told my mom about how I’m going to take her to get her hair cut and my mom clapped back saying I was pushing her and I shouldn’t have asked and let her bring it up. We ended up cutting her hair and she looks super cute and she says she likes it but she has also said things like “now I’m not cute like my sister” or “Grandma won’t love me”

The child is completely confused, and you, dear Mother are not helping. Sort yourself out.

She also has a identical twin sister. I think she’s really just trying to be opposite of her sister “I’m a boy and she’s a girl” “I like blue and she likes pink” Even “I’m hot and she’s cold” I’ve never dressed them the same and allowed them to pick out their own clothes. One has always chosen girls clothes and the other mostly boy clothes but she does wear girl clothes, dresses up as a princess and plays with towards geared towards girls.

I’m really trying to handle this the best way possible and I think I’m messing everything up and pushing her to be a boy when I’m just trying to support her.

Yes, you are messing things up. This is a complete failure of parenting. You are meant to be the rock – the anchor point for your child in these formative years. You are meant to be the authority. Yet like so many modern parents, you are afraid of being an authority and telling your child anything. You won’t tell her what she will wear, you won’t tell her she is a girl. Children are not little adults. You must nurture them in order for them to flourish and thrive. When planting a young fruit tree, you might tie it to a stake. You will pull out weeds that might smother it. You will tend that tree and prune off some branches in order that it may one day produce more fruit. You don’t just leave it and hope for the best. Not if you want that tree to flourish. As a parent your job is similar. You don’t just leave your child to figure everything out. You provide authority, and boundaries and truth. Failure in this area will destroy your child. Once upon a time, parents knew their job was to…well parent. Now, we have adults who can’t tell Arthur from Martha. What a fiasco.

Reddit Parenting Advice #8 – Boys and Screens

The Reddit parenting subreddit has been useful in finding food for thought on this blog. We have investigate issues pertaining to sleep, weight, oppositional defiance disorder, and children vs career among other topics. Today we are looking at boys and screens.

 I need academic advice. We had to ground my son from electronics due to low grades and not paying attention in class. He has them back since he did improve (a little) he is still struggling with math and science and sometimes reading. He only has them on the weekends after he studies during the week and does his morning routine. We did equal work for equal play. So he doesn’t study he doesn’t play. But I know he also used to really depend on help from his grandma to do his homework. When we moved we had him doing it on his own and it was a struggle. He couldn’t. He asked us questions all the time and for breaks when he only had like 4 questions done. My mom didn’t help us. We got what we got the only thing she did was make sure we got our homework done. Even for project, she got us the supplies but we did 90% of the work. What could be the issue games or too much help? Do you parents help your kids with school or let them get what they earn? Do you parents have gamer kids who are doing good in their academics? Do you limit or not limit? Or should I just not worry and let him be let natural consequences take its course. Like he fails he will have to repeat the grade. He does enjoy getting good grades, so my fear is if he keeps struggling he might lose interest in his academics.

So in summary we have a 9 year old boy who has been grounded from electronics due to low grades and lack of focus in class. This parent has noticed that her son is relies heavily on grandma to get his homework done, and is wondering whether games are potential behind his lethargy regarding effort in school work.

This is a great question. As a teacher, I have seen all too often that boys and screens are an unfortunate combination. There is something about gaming that is attractive to boys. It tends to become an all-consuming passion for many, and can become the only topic of conversation, even in the playground. I once did an informal survey of a 9-11 year old class I taught. One of the boys spent 14 hours gaming in a matter of a few days. Needless to say, he was not in good academic shape. His writing was boring, because he had few real world experiences and read very little outside of school. His maths was also sub par. He was a nice boy, but he was headed for low skill employment, all because his parents refused to take responsibility for the indirect teaching that screen time represents.

When considering boys (or indeed children) and screens, a parent must do a cost benefit analysis. I have done one with my children, and found that the benefits of allowing them regular discretionary screen time are fairly minimal. The costs are considerable and are too often ignored. As a family we have decided that we value our children engaging in creative play, reading, and outdoor fun far more than we value gaming and TV watching. Accordingly, we have never allowed our children to play video games unattended, and they rarely play them at all. They might watch a movie once or twice a month. It’s not that these things are bad, it’s that we believe there are better things they can be doing.

How does this work out for us? Fairly well. We notice our children can amuse themselves for hours with imaginary games. They do not whine to watch TV or play on a tablet. It is just not a part of their normal expectations of life. Has this made a difference academically? One of our children is a boy in this 9-year-old sort of range. He is like many other boys of this age – not super at focussing, and not hugely interested in school work. However, he can be given tasks to complete. He loves making things, and will occupy himself with cardboard and scissors and string making odd contraptions. We try not to baby him when it comes to projects and expect him to take a lead in doing the work. Sure he has a long way to go, but he does not have the addictive poison of screen time which dampens a boy’s natural interest in God’s world running through his veins.

So my advice to parents would be this. Avoid video games for your boys. Boys easily become addicted to them, and they become consumed by them. If you do decide to go this route, make it a family activity. By this I mean it should be something done in the family community. For example, once a month could be PlayStation night and children and parents gather in the lounge together and play a game with each other, taking turns. In my opinion, avoid at all costs allowing your boy to have a computer or device that he is allowed to pick up and play games on when he feels like it. This is not conducive to a boy’s development of responsible masculinity. Restrict and control the use of screens so that it is a small part of your boys life. Find better things for your boy to do. Think about what activities will help him develop real-life skills that will aid him become a responsible man who can lead his family well.

Reddit Parenting Advice #7

We continue on our Reddit parenting advice series with a slightly different type of query. In this post, we explore career vs family. How do we decide what weighting to give career vs children? As Christians, we must let God’s Word determine how we approach life. So let’s take a look at the question and then consider briefly what a Christian response might be.

Partner and I have two beautiful children, 2.5 and 8 months. We don’t “feel” done, but at the same time, we know that growing our family is not untenable, but not the smartest move, with our current careers. More specifically, I (33F) would have to modify the career path I’d envisioned in order for a bigger family, as my husband’s (35M) isn’t as flexible as mine.

I want to grow my family, but not at the expense of my education and a huge part of my identity. Or maybe I don’t know it yet, but a large part of my identity is having 3+ children! Parents who struggled with this dilemma, how did you decide where your priorities were?

First of all, when considering this question, we must consider the concept of career. In the past, our forefathers tended to think of their work as a vocation – a calling. It was a way of providing for themselves and their families, and it was a way of serving the community. When considering career, both as fathers and mothers, we need to remember that our identities should not be tied to this aspect of our lives. We don’t have careers for ourselves. We work to feed our family and to serve the world through the gifts God has given us, but climbing a corporate ladder for our identity without regard to the impact this has on our family is unwise.

Secondly, we need to consider what God tells us about masculine and feminine roles. Now even in Christian circles, this will seem old fashioned, but it seems to me that the Bible clearly teaches different roles for husbands and wives. A brief read of Genesis 1 and 2 will demonstrate that before the fall into sin, Adam, as the first husband was required to lead, provide food from the garden and protect the garden and implicitly his wife. A husband is directed outward to the world and the dominion mandate. Eve, as Adam’s wife was directed toward Adam as his helper. How does she help him in the dominion mandate? She bears children. Thus together they are able to fill the earth and subdue it. The apostle Paul teaches that wives ought to be focussed on their husbands and children and be busy in the home. Of course, a lot more could be said here, but the Bible teaches that men should provide for their families, and wives should be focussed on nurture and the domestic sphere. This does not mean that a wife is unable to work or do anything outside the home, as the Proverbs 31 woman demonstrates. It does mean that her priority is her children and husband. All this is a long way of saying that as a wife, your God-given mission is your husband and your children – so go to it! God did call us to be fruitful and multiply, so I’d say that if possible that means more than two! You’ll always find joy in fulfilling your God-given calling.

Finally, we should note that for most of us, we will never have careers of great importance. Not many of us will be CEOs of major corporations. Not many of us will be Prime Ministers. Few of us will be movie stars. Most of our work, while serving neighbour, is not particularly awe-inspiring. Few will remember us after we are gone. So as Christians, we should realise that our greatest impact for Christ’s kingdom will be through the investment we make in our families. Investing strongly by spending time on your children’s spiritual development you are helping raise a grounded and strong family. These children will then in turn have an impact on the lives of their families. Who knows how many millions will be in Christ’s kingdom as a result of your faithfulness as a wife in this area? Likely as not, raising a godly family will be the most important work you do for Christ’s kingdom.

Reddit Parenting Advice #6

Today we are looking at the topic of tantrums which every parent with toddlers will be familiar with. The title of the Reddit post was “Tantrums are ruining parenthood for me”. Given that the entire post is long, I will comment on a few sections of it.

Let’s begin with this chestnut. I make most of my decisions based on whether or not it will result in a meltdown. If they have a meltdown, then I have a meltdown. Because of this, I feel like my children run the show—they are my boss. This mother makes her decisions based on whether or not it will lead to a tantrum. This is precisely the opposite of what she should be doing. She is electing for the easy choice hard road scenario we have mentioned in earlier posts. Interestingly, she knows that this has lead to an untenable parenting situation. She sees that she is controlled by her child’s tantrums because they impact her choices.

Our mother here needs to change her behaviour. Instead of running from meltdowns, she should seek them out. What do I mean? I do not mean that she should actively try to cause her children to throw tantrums, but she should use all situations to send her children the message that she is the authority and she will not be moved. If she senses she is about to make an ‘avoidance’ decision, she should instead aim for the tantrum. This stage of parenting is all about asserting authority. This is often the hardest when you are away from home. If she says it is time to leave the park, and the little one becomes upset, she should sternly say something like, “Mummy is the boss. We are going.” Then if the child continues to refuse she should pick him up and carry him to the car. At home, things tend to be easier, and she should use this to her advantage. More time at home with a toddler is a good thing, because training can include physical chastisement that might not be appropriate in public situations. An example might be she sees her toddler playing with some books that she does not want wrecked. In a commanding voice, she should say, “Don’t touch.” Invariably, the toddler will make a whining or screaming noise and keep on touching. This is the cue to walk over to the child, take the object away from him, give him a sharp tap on the hand or leg and say sternly, “Mummy said no!” This must all be done with no outward emotion. Short stern statements are the way to train toddlers.

If the child continues to whine and scream, a firmer impartation of knowledge to the seat of understanding (!!) may be called for along with a statement such as, “We don’t scream.” or “No tantrums!” Then, require a “Sorry Mummy” from your child.

This is what parenting during the toddler years needs to look like. Your goal is to demonstrate every day to your child that you love them, that you are their authority, and that what you say must be obeyed immediately, or there will be negative consequences. Consistent self-discipline in this area is key. Regularly acting like this does make tantrums less frequent as your toddler realises they are not worth the effort. Children disciplined in this way learn to become more compliant.

Our mother goes on to say, “I want to be able to focus on my kids and empathize with what they’re feeling rather than resent them for their behavior. I feel like I simply can’t do that when they are screaming in my face and stomping around the house. It feels like I’m physically incapable of viewing things from their POV during a fit.” Most of the time, you do not need to learn to empathise with a toddler. Much of their behaviour is completely selfish and destructive. Their emotions are ridiculously over the top. We do not want to empathise with these things. We want to train them to appropriately express frustration and disappointment, and throwing a tantrum is not appropriate. They need to learn from adults how to appropriately express themselves.

Reddit Parenting Advice #5

In previous posts I began looking at questions parents had on Reddit. Thus far we’ve looked at putting a 15 month baby in a cot, an overweight child, the issue of oppositional defiance disorder, commonly known as childhood and the cost of daycare. In our fifth Reddit parenting post, we are looking at the issue of cell phones.

I was 16 when I got my first phone back in 2008 … but in today’s everchanging world, that seems “too old,” and I have no idea what is an acceptable age for kids to get their first cell phone. Like, ACTUAL cell phone with cellular, not just a tablet to play on or whatever.

Firstly, today might be an everchanging world, but wisdom is unchanging. Wisdom knows what children are like. Wisdom is able to apply principles to different situations and periods of history. That’s what we need as parents. So what are some timeless biblical principles we can use in this case.

Principle 1: Do not base your parenting rules on what everybody else is doing. What is acceptable in your family does not have to be the same as the vast majority of families. It might be, especially when the vast majority of families seem to be doing a good job of parenting. But with epidemic levels of anxiety and depression in young people today, it might likely be that you need to do things differently.

Principle 2: One of your primary jobs as a parent is to help protect your child from harm. Children are ignorant of danger and are easily exploited. You are responsible for the inputs in their life, and you are responsible that these inputs are not damaging to their development and moral character.

Principle 3: Parents are responsible for putting their children on the path toward self-discipline. Good parenting leads children to develop disciplined character. Children who have been raised well will not need someone standing over them watching them to ensure they are doing the right thing.

So let’s apply these principles to cell phone issue. Consider first of all why your child needs a cell phone. Is it because they are travelling a long distance regularly without you and you want them to be able to contact you in case of emergencies? Is it because all their friends have one and they feel left out? In other words, do they actually need one? If you are just getting them one because all the other children have one, you are not being guided by principles, unless your principle is simply “Do what everyone else does”, which surely is not a very wise principle.

Let’s assume that we have a real reason for a cell phone. We aren’t just giving our children one because all their friends have one. Now we can ask what kind of cell phone do they need. Because giving a cell phone is not some insignificant action. If we are giving them a smartphone and internet access, we are at the same time giving them access to a host of opportunities to waste time or degrade themselves including social media and pornography. For this reason alone, it may be wiser to hold off giving a smartphone, and give them an old phone with no internet access. Even then, it may be wiser to have a family ‘dumbphone’ that they can take when they go out.

Be aware that any phone you give your child gives them the opportunity to develop relationships without you knowing about it. Given that your job is protecting your child, you want to be sure they are at an age they can handle this. My advice as a man who has worked with youth for most of my career is that you want to put this off in almost all cases until your child is in their late teens. I cannot tell you how many good kids have ended up doing stupid things that have had significant long-term effects all because they had cell phones and naive parents.

I think it’s really easy for parents to see their 12-year-old as very mature and think, “They can handle this!” Invariably they cannot. A good kid at 12 still has to go through her teens. Teens have to manage issues like body image and sexual desire. They need to figure these out with wise adult counsel. What they often get when they have unfettered access to the internet is foolishness. Why do we have girls cutting themselves, struggling with anxiety and depression and becoming anorexic? Often because they are encouraged into this by the relationships they form online. Remember, the teenage mind is often not particularly rational, but emotionally driven. You need to protect them at this vulnerable time.

What about our third principle? How are we preparing them for adulthood? How are we ensuring they develop self-discipline? I think you really want to see this happen in small things first. Just as you wouldn’t let your 10-year-old drive the car, own a rifle or have whiskey, there are some things that require a certain amount of maturity for children to handle. It is my experience that unfettered internet access and cell phones are one of those things. So look for signs of self-discipline and responsibility in schoolwork and home chores as well as a growing discernment and wisdom from your children. When you see this is woven into their character not just on show for when adults are around, then you might consider that your child is cell phone ready. Personally, I think the cell phone is like the key we got on our 21st. It’s not a toy, it’s a tool for adults. My current thinking on this is it’s probably 18th birthday material for our children.

Reddit Parenting Advice #4

Today we continue our series on Reddit parenting advice. Dear readers, you may think I look long and hard to find particularly egregious postings, but I assure you I generally take the first one that appears when I view the parenting subreddit. It seems there are plenty of people out there who need advice, but most prefer to rant about their situations rather than take responsibility. Today we have a rant about the cost of childcare. 

So we pay $297 (USD) for my five month old to go to daycare 5 days a week. If we want him dropped down to 3 days (because we’re having a hard time affording full time) its $245. So it goes from $59 a day to $81. We only save $50 a week and still have to figure out where he goes the other two days. And we don’t qualify for government assistance. We both work full time with my husband working overtime every weekend and I work overtime every week day. America is great..

Let’s begin with what seems glaringly obvious. Why did this woman have this child? What is a five month old doing going to daycare 5 days a week? This is tragic. Again and again, I have seen this repeated. A couple struggles to have a child. Desperate, they try everything. Finally, they get the news they are pregnant. A beautiful child is born, and then a couple of months later, the mother is back at work. What is wrong with you? Why are you so desperate to bring a child into the world, and then equally desperate to farm him out to someone else to raise? It’s unnatural. Children are not accessories to your life. Why do women look jealously at others who can have children, only to become pregnant and then give their children to other (low-paid) women to raise? This is madness.

Next let me consider complaints about costs and children. This should not be something that needs to be said, but children cost. We used to believe the purpose of a husband was to provide for his wife and children so that the wife could attend to the sphere which God calls her – the home. This provided stability and loving homes where children were cared for by people who actually loved them rather than strangers. Now we have women complaining about the cost of childcare and that children get in the way of a career. This is completely backwards! A career should serve children, not the other way around. Children are supposed to cost you. We give ourselves to our children. A woman gives part of her body to a child for 9 months. Then that child is designed to need nourishment from her body regularly for at least a year. Psychologically she is necessary to him for a lot longer. Our bodies tell a story. A mother’s body gives life and nourishment to children. That is what she is designed to do. She is not designed to farm her offspring out to others while she shuffles papers for some pointless government bureaucracy.

A mother is designed to be used up loving children, not making money. Children do not take her away from what she really ought to be doing. They are what she really ought to be doing. Children are supposed to be her priority, not her career. And if a career is her priority, perhaps she should not selfishly bring children into the world. Contrary to the world’s ignorant maxim, a woman cannot have it all. Having children is about sacrifice. You are used up as they are filled. You can’t fill them when you are used up by something else.

Now let’s consider the husband in all of this. Husbands are meant to lead and provide for their families. Our bodies and nature tell us this, and if we weren’t so obtuse and blinded by societal and cultural egalitarian prejudice we would recognise this. Men need to ensure that they can care for the woman they marry and the children they father. This means they need to enter marriage with as little debt as possible, earn a good income, and preferably have a significant amount of savings or a house. Young women should not look at young men who don’t meet these basic requirements. Fathers, if you have any input into who your daughter marries (and you should!), encourage her to look for a man who can enable her to fulfil her calling as a wife and mother.